All I’m saying is anyone who thinks it’s a great idea to buy a black car with black leather seats, needs to make sure they test drive it on a 104° day.
You Might Also Like
This pepper spray feels like no really meant no
How do I form meaningful friendships as an adult without enrolling in grad school or joining a cult?
When I’m having a bad day nothing sets me off quite like trying to pull one wipe out of the container and 47 more coming with it
Professional cuddlers probably aren’t going to advertise on Craigslist.
I know this now.
*Walks away with a scar on my back and a missing kidney*
how am i supposed to keep up with what day it is when it changes every 24 hours
I grew up living paycheck to paycheck , but through hard work and perseverance i now live direct deposit to direct deposit.
ME: Sorry we’re late. My daughter couldn’t find her pet spatula.
DAUGHTER: Chad.
ME: Yes. Chad the Spatula.
Why is aggravated murder a charge? There’s never like a passive and calm relaxation murder.
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because kids that eat Taco Bell can’t climb, or run.
I’m tired of the unrealistic beauty standards promoted by the avian media.
wife: how many beers is that for you?
me: yep
Why does everyone have to hold their NYE party on the same bloody night?
(Blows you a kiss with chip crumbs hitting your face)
She is very cute, has great energy! 😂
I tried plant based mashed potatoes last night. It was really great – tasted like the real thing.
Son: “I don’t have any clean underwear.”
Me: “Have you checked your bedroom floor?”
Son: “Yeah. All those are dirty.”
Me: ……..
Just googled “unsolved murders in my area” because I have some extra time and someone has to solve these cases.
[date]
Me: Wanna watch Star Wars?
Him: No interest, before my time.
Me *pretending to choke him with my mind*
Him: What’re you doing?
The cashier wasn’t impressed with my top hat, sash, and monocle until I said “Keep the change” from the $1 I gave him for my $0.95 purchase.
♫ Hey cow
You’re an all star
You are grain fed
No hay
Hey cow
You are ground down
Graded U.S.
D.A. ♫
It’s time to clean the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside…
Taurus: People will call you a trend setter this week when you’re bitten by a new species of snake.
Her- um.. why are you wearing a Darth Vader mask?
Me- you said lets do Yoda together
H- I SAID YOGA YOU DOPE
M- VERY WRONG I WAS
You gotta sprinkle in a few yeahs with those uh huhs or else they’re gonna know
me: interested in how the sun shines in our new apartment
boyfriend:
An alarm clock that texts your boss for you the fifth time you press snooze
According to Facebook, 78% of girls I went to high school with now own their own photography business.
Today is the first New Moon after Jan 21sr. Happy New Year to Chinese people and all who choose to be Chinese for a day.
The biggest threat to mankind is aliens somehow receiving transmissions of Xbox Live conversations and deciding to just blow up the planet.