The first person to milk a cow was playing a savage game of Truth or Dare
You Might Also Like
Can’t, I just saw a Facebook post that said one Thanksgiving dish is going away forever and I have to vote so we don’t lose pie.
The person in front of me paid for my coffee and I had to do the right thing, so I ordered a donut also.
Ever since I learned the show is called Suits because of lawsuits and not because they wear suits, I have harbored a hot white rage within me beyond anything mankind has ever known.
Ryan Reynolds Said What?!
Watching golf, and every ovation is a standing ovation.
4-year-old: Why does mom always yell at you?
Me: Marriage is complicated.
4: Is it because you’re stupid?
I’ve been watching HGTV with my wife for the past two hours, and just once – just ONCE – I would like to see a couple looking for a home who hates entertaining.
I can handle crows feet, I can handle random gray hairs, but telling me I need bifocals in my glasses…that optometrist never knew what hit him.
Me. I hit him.
Kobe was a legend on the court and just getting started in what would have been just as meaningful a second act. To lose Gianna is even more heartbreaking to us as parents. Michelle and I send love and prayers to Vanessa and the entire Bryant family on an unthinkable day.
Is that two bananas in your pocket or are you happy to see me and also have one banana in your pocket?
*first time seeing a musical
“WHY ARE THEY DOING THAT?!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD MAKE IT STOP!”
Wife: I think we need a break.
*Titanic crashes into iceberg*Husband: THAT WHAT YOU WANTED?
Wife: Yes.
Apparently it’s ‘inappropriate’ to show up at your therapist’s home to swim in her new pool even though your ‘boundary issues’ paid for it.
every year on my birthday i take a bite out of this windowsill bc i get so excited
Stop = Hammer time
Full stop = Grammar time
Yelling at me for warming towels in the oven is not going to get the fire department here any faster.
*3.5 thank you very much.
*sees guy on a WANTED poster*
Must be nice
[November 2030]
*at the ocean*
“don’t forget your oil block, 800 spf sunblock and your radiation suits”
Kids: This fish has three heads
Son: what are electric eels?
Me: eels but electric
Son: are there other electric animals?
Me, looking at the cat & the toaster: not yet
Customer: can you help me?
Me: whoa hey look lady, I just work here okay?
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
I will never miss you, because I’m a really good shooter.
Having a loose stool means two completely different things depending on if you are a nurse or a bartender.
People that are stoned shouldn’t throw glass houses.
ME: my greatest strength is giving people clever nicknames.
QUESTION ASKER MAN: and how is this a skill that will help you here?
what the hell is this stain?
– a memoir
The book I checked out of the library is so stained and gross, it looks like someone used it recently to deliver a foal.
Don’t you hate it when some idiots won’t even go 5 mph over the speed limit in the left lane but then when you try to pass them all of a sudden they want to go 127 mph into the sun