“Avocado Kedavra”
-Harry Potter before tuning his enemies into guacamole
You Might Also Like
The hotel bartender said I couldn’t take my drink back to my room so I said, “But what if you just…let me?” and he didn’t have a real answer to that, so I’m in bed with my drink now.
Had I been Jesus, being invited to “The Last Supper” would’ve raised a few red flags.
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
“I hate you but I love you. I miss you but you make me sick. You’re wonderful but get away from me” -My love letter to carbs
You wish you had this many chins.
My 5 year old memorized my phone number and I just figured out he gives it to everyone he encounters
The name Corey is short for Coriander. Coreys will try & tell you it’s not but they are lying.
lmao babies are so bad at tic-tac-toe I win every time
If you breed Catdog with a catfish, you have a 25% chance of getting a pure cat.
This ebola scare is getting out of hand I just threw ebola at someone who said good morning to me before I had my coffee
Me (on a plane): oh dang my friends are going to flip when I send a pic of this airplane wing and the clouds
I accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now my wife takes pictures of me every 15 minutes.
A kid in the grocery store screamed “I’M COMING FOR YOU, CORNDOGS!” as his dad opened the freezer, and I felt jealous that he has a catchphrase at age 10.
In a house with 1,000 bathrooms your kid will only be willing to use the one you’re in, there is nothing you can do to prevent this
Dude is texting with a flip phone, just like George Washington did
#WhatMostWomenWant A man with a vibrating penis.
My 8 year old daughter hasn’t stopped talking in 32 years
Hollywood’s obsession with hacking scenes in movies made me woefully overestimate how many elevators I’d have to “hack” as a programmer
ME: There’s something fishy going on here.
YOU: It’s just an aquarium.
ME: Exactly.
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
MOM LEAF: omg you changed color
KID LEAF: yeah everyone’s doing it
MOM LEAF: oh so if all the other leaves fell off the tree would you do it too
In every IKEA there is a magical filing cabinet labeled raccoons, DO NOT OPEN THIS FILING CABINET!
me: but i want it
ambulance driver: [passing dairy queen] i said no
Raise your arms and run through the police crime scene tape like you’re finishing a marathon.
Ordering coffee with a coworker whos a vegan, she looks at me, & goes, ‘I don’t believe in sugar.’ I’m like ‘Bitch, it exists’
My daughter got a sticker from her teacher that said ‘resilient tortoise.’
I’ve sent her in with one to give in return, ‘patronizing hippo.’
fellas, if your girl:
•has got it going on
•she’s all you want
•you’ve waited for so longshe’s not your girl, she’s stacey’s mom
Apparently “working from home” means “dear God why can’t I stop eating”.
Unfortunately most of my sex noises come from trying to get out of bed.
He told me to come dressed to kill for our first date…
I now realise my Freddie Krueger outfit was not what he had in mind