I used to be so graceful, now I am like a puppy with a box stuck on her head
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I’m just gonna say it. I’d smurf Smurfette.
When I pack too much for a short trip.
Me: In this day and age, for a man to be preaching intolerance is unacceptable.
Wife: Big deal. So the doctor said you have to stop eating cheese.
“sticks and stones may break my bones”
“got it, thank you!”
“wait there’s more”
“but you already foolishly revealed your weakness to me”
Me: what is my final challenge
*dragon appears*
Me: oh no
Dragon: spell necessary
Me: OH NO
Making fun of bands that only play 3 chords when I don’t even know what a chord is.
Italians, look away now.
I break my spaghetti in half before I cook it.
“Trust issues? HAHAHAHAHA”
–Pluto, the former planet
People say I have a dry sense of humor. So when you hate everyone the word to describe that is dry now I guess.
• Birds suddenly appear.
• Every time you are near.
• Long to be close to you.Conclusion: you are a statue
Pilot: we’re gonna crash
Me: *to cute girl next to me* guess I should make these last moments count
Her: yeah?
Me: mhm *starts fast forwarding Shrek*
Raised my shirt to check my abs and a nacho chip fell out so I guess there’s your answer.
Mom asked me what it’s like being a single middle aged woman so I took a handful of cat & dog hair from my purse and threw it in her coffee.
I TRADED MY ALARM CLOCK FOR A KOALA SO I CAN SLEEP UNTIL HE STARTS BEGGING FOR LEAVES WHICH’S LIKE 3 DAYS
Babies are okay if you’re into alarm clocks that poop.
I like to put my passengers as ease by pointing out where all the airbags are. Ending the safety message with “Just in case I crash again”
you just know somebody’s being called by their full name right now
If empaths don’t exist then explain how we know so much. For instance I can tell right now that you’re frustrated with me and you think I’m stupid
So apparently going to the medicine store’s manager with a pack of condoms asking them where the changing rooms are will get you banned from the medicine store.
God: you’re a garter snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek?
God: no you’re a snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek!
God: [sigh] fine you’re a small snek.
Garter Snake:
God:
Garter Snake: I’m a smol snek?
4-year-old: What’s that?
Me: A vegetable you won’t like. If you don’t tell Mom, I’ll take it from you.
*eats her bacon*
I’m starting to think some of you might be taking marijuanas
I like to start my mornings w/ a luxurious deep tissue massage*
*kids climbing all over me until they puncture my spleen & I finally get up
me(being given hot dog factory tour): so if i fell in this vat & died it would pretty much taste the same
tour guide: almost certainly keith
“The name’s And The Giant Peach. James And The Giant Peach.”
Airlines need to freakin’ make up their mind abt the temp of the plane once n for all.
1st flight was so freakin’ cold, I could see my soda freeze as I was drinking it n now the 2nd one is throwing so much hot air like I wanna lie naked rn!!!
#travelling
#AmericanAirlines
The rebound person you start flirting with post breakup really gets annoying real fast and that’s unfortunate for them
I have read all the opinions on Will Smith and Chris Rock.
My conclusion is that people are irritating.
ME: Diligently sanitizing countertops, faucets, door knobs, light switches, remote controls, phones, hands,
ALSO ME: Eating a piece of a Kit Kat I dropped on the floor because wasting chocolate? In these times?