me: sweet chainmail
knight: thanks tell six of your friends or I’ll kill you
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Interview Tip #17
be polite and maintain eye contact
[later]
Interviewer: hello
Me: *staring intensely* yes please
Why an exclamation point after “R.I.P.”? You don’t need to shout.
They’re dead.
You know how dogs think, when you leave, that you’re never coming back? That’s how I feel when I leave the house for work every morning.
A broken heart won’t kill you, but it can make you feel like dying.
For someone who hates the circus, I sure have dated a lot of clowns.
You didn’t have to say “he’s a male nurse.” When you said ‘he’ my psychic ability of gender discernment kicked in.
Me: please tell me my future, madame
Palm reader: *studies my hand* it says ‘lots of seks and the good cheeses’
Me: awesome
Palm reader: in sharpie
Me: yeah
Palm reader: you’re going to die alone
ME: Then the robber came thru the door holding a gun
COP: Was it a revolver?
ME [thinks] No he just pushed it open & walked thru like normal
*First date*
Him: I just want someone to say to me I love you and really mean it someday!
Me: I love you and really mean it someday..
Him:
Me: there’s no pleasing some people
As soon as they heard the flush, my phone interview took a drastic turn.
If you’re gonna have kids you’d better be prepared to make sacrifices. Chickens, goats, the occasional human, whatever the Dark Lord demands
Being a parent means when you actually manage to find a pair of scissors they’re mysteriously sticky
Shoutout to the kitchen knob that grabbed the strings on my pants and undid them.
“This is from the both of us”
– my parents giving me mental illness
“Are you pro gay?” he asked. “Amateur at best,” I replied
I’m still trying to dig myself out my ringtone debt from the late 90’s
Me to my husband: Would you like to bring a third into our love making? [my googly eyed hand puppet slides into view]
If Iron Man and the Man of Steel were to team up, they’d be powerful alloys.
ground deer meat in a bun—call that a Sloppy Doe
[Lou Bega voice]
One, two, three four
[Proclaimers voice]
five hundred miles
Husband enters vasectomy room
Nurse: You sure about this?
*I enter, wearing xmas leggings & milk stained top*
N: The dr. will be right in
“I wanna know who is responsible for this!”
-Me to my parents, while pointing at myself.
In the rookiest of moves, at 4:30PM on Christmas Eve, my husband asked what our 5yo what he is most excited to get from Santa tomorrow
Every time you get a haircut, you’re essentially returning your last haircut and exchanging it for the exact same thing
Dear dads, you don’t actually have to wear athletic clothing to your kids’ games. You’re literally just going be be sitting.
Me: When I was little I was never allowed in grandma and grandad’s bed if I was scared.
6yo: That’s sad Mommy. I’m going to tell grandma and grandad that they have to let you in their bed tomorrow.
Me: Oh no no no baby. I’m good!
A couple of weeks ago we had an icebreaker during my graduate seminar and the question was “What is your irrational fear?” My answer was “hammerhead sharks”. And today in class I walked in and saw this:
Hey, did you say that your dog likes to ‘exercise’ or ‘exorcise’? [dog is already throwing holy water around the house]
Putting some of my hairs on the cat, just to even things out.
“Oh hello, I didn’t see you there!” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you