[Death row]
Him: Last meal request please.
Me: Wendy’s cheeseburger, fries and Coke.
Him: That stuff kills you know.
Me: Fine. Diet Coke.
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Sitting here eating blueberries
wondering if my brain is improving
Doubt it…..
took too long to spell doubt
Camping? Like sleeping with my bedroom window open?
DATE: you smell so nice – what are you wearing?
ME: Febreeze
Wow, you’ve got a lot of hickeys Kris.
Me: Busy weekend *winks
*remembers wrestling that octopus at the aquarium for giving me side eye.
Damn gurl, are you the snacks in my grandma’s cabinet? Because you taste like you expired 4 years ago
So no pizza place on Ninja Turtles ever questioned the delivery address being “The Sewer”
I have never ONCE dropped a roll of toilet paper without it dramatically unrolling half of itself
If you carry a clipboard, you can call it “research” instead of stalking.
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *straightening his bowtie* a truffle
Jesus: Go forth. You are now fishers of men.
Peter: *harpoons a guy*
Jesus: Too literal, bro.
Took our cat to the vet today and, once again, she “forgot” her wallet.
My neighbor must be having a rough day. I caught her sneaking out her bathroom window while I was sneaking out my bathroom window.
My birthday is tomorrow. I accept gift cards, cash, cheesecake, or a beach house. You pick.
*First Date*
Me: *Flirting* You have to promise not to fall in love with me.
Him: There’s cheese in your hair. And we haven’t eaten yet.
Me: Unhand me you scoundrel!
Masseuse: Please stop saying that
One of my girlfriend’s bras made it into the dryer.
It was nice knowing you guys.
hey friend,
the list of things you texted me that you’d do for a Klondike bar has me concernedlet’s talk
When people try to debate me online I’m just going to suggest they read a book I make up and that doesn’t exist
Knitting socks for all the geese in the park, they were grateful until they got wet now I have angry geese in wet socks chasing me, this is a powerful lesson I won’t soon forget
I used to think paramedics were ghost doctors.
It took me 20 minutes and a terribly bruised wrist to realize that this slap bracelet is actually a ruler.
Never bring your fists to a knife fight. Never bring a knife to a gun fight. And whatever you do, stay far, far away from a fight between two geese.
I prefer the term busy professional, thank you.
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Wow, the feeling! A sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* endorphins
Me: No, just whales
Billy Joel seems remarkably unfazed by the old man sitting next to him making love to his tonic and gin.
My therapist keeps telling me to stop comparing myself to other people—that life’s not a competition.
Which, to be fair, is exactly what I’d say to someone I was trying to beat, too.
I went for a run but came back home after 5 minutes because I forgot something.
I forgot that I’m fat and can’t run for more than 5 minutes
When my youngest was 3, he wrote “dad” on the coffee table in Sharpie.
When I asked him who did that, he glanced at me, studied the coffee table, looked me right in the eye and said, “It looks like dad did it.”
I continue to blame my ex-husband for this at least once a year.
Well, my evening plans are ruined
Ed [laughing]: what do you call a fish with no eye?
Stede, without looking up: Myxine Circifrons
Ed:
Ed: fsh