“Well I guess I better get ready for work”
*gets out of bed*
“Ok I’m ready”
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“Where do escalators come from?”
“Well, when an Escalade and an alligator love each other very much…”
Trees to oxygen:
“Pfft. Waste product.”
Damn, girl, are you a customer looking for a great deal, because my clothes are 75% off.
My friend says I’m self-absorbed, so I took a long, hard look at myself. Beautiful
[speed dating]
HER: So what do you-
ME: How fast can you order a pizza?
HER: I don’t-
ME: *hits buzzer* NEXT
We don’t have wifi in Tennessee. I just pray my tweets into my phone and let Him (#Christ) do the rest.
Welcome to Insomnia Club. God dammit Bob. BOB. Steve wake Bob up. Steve?
Death hack: bury your loved ones with their fitness trackers for a low-cost early zombie alert system.
Me: WHY AREN’T YOU CLEANING YOUR ROOM LIKE I ASKED?
My 6year old: You only asked once
I don’t want to be cremated when I die. I want my body thrown on a group of unsuspecting, cocky teens in a haunted house.
Attention fat vegans:
Explain.
Perverts have made it so you can’t even park your makeshift surveillance van conspicuously outside girls’ college diving team meets anymore.
Me: I choose Truth!
Him: What is the most time wasting app on your phone?
Me: …I choose Dare!
Kids today have iPads, but when I was little my parents kept me busy on road trips by saying, ‘keep an eye on the trailer, and let us know if it falls off.’
In response to McDonald’s pay with hugs campaign, Nationwide will allow you to pay for insurance with DEATH.
Me: I’d like one wet wipe please
Wet wipe packet: the best I can do is 10
So supportive, you should change your name to Wonder Bra.
My 10 year old just told his friend I’m cranky cus I have my “pyramid”.
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face
Getting marriage advice from a priest is like taking your lawn mower to Burger King to get repaired.
Brain cell 1: say have a nice day
Brain cell 2: nah say have a good oneMouth: Haven gice done
Fun Fact: Every hour of daylight savings is kept in a subterranean vault in Colorado. Once every four years, they release them all, and that’s how we get a leap day.
[haunted house]
FRIEND: you scared???
ME: not because of this haunted house, but yes
Welcome to “I HEARD THE CAT PUKE BUT DON’T KNOW WHERE” the game where your eyes try to find it before your feet do.
The Seven Deadly Sins:
1. Envy
2. Gluttony
3. Greed
4. Lust
5. Pride
6. Calling Lego ‘Legos’
7. Wrath
The indescribable pain of having a client read off the options they see under “Settings.”
I really hope that I look like the mirror version of me and not the camera version.
[trying to unhook a bra]
*kung fu noises*
I had a really fun date last night but when I went back to his place he had like an unsettling number of beanbag chairs? Approximately 7? Just isn’t sitting right.