A kiss begins with K. But it’s also just a text from someone who doesn’t want to have a conversation with you.
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Date palm: a tree that also describes my romantic life.
Dear diary,
Today I learned drinking electrolytes does not give you electrical powers. must now find other ways to become a super villainess
Survival Tip: if a bear comes at you, do not try to “sweep the leg”. They’ve all seen The Karate Kid and learned how to defend against it.
Men always be like “if you liked me, why didn’t you say something” like ?! bro I am literally out here clutching my rose quartz pendant and saying your name three times with my eyes closed every night before I fall asleep.
What more could I have done?
My kid, sick at school: *lethargic, deathlike pallor, has to be carried*
My kid, sick at home: *eats five meals before lunch time, jumping up and down on bed, wants to go on a hike*
Me: *cutting fingernails*
Man next to me on bus: please stop cutting my nails
I attend online school everyday.
My kid joins in whenever he feels like it.
For eggplant your guests will love, lightly brush with olive oil, toss in the air and blast that bad boy with your ankle piece.
“You’ve got this,” I say to myself every time I look up something on WebMD.
A party without Vodka is just a meeting.
You can’t intimidate me; you’re not a hairbrush.
Vegetarians need to chill. Mankind is messed up because someone ate an apple they weren’t supposed to.
Those gender reveal parties are getting crazier and crazier
Toddler: *5 minutes of incoherent babbling*
Me: Oh yeah?
[whispering to my wife with tears in my eyes as we watch our daughter’s piano recital] She’s terrible
Professor X: What’s your superpower?
Me: I turn positives into negatives.
Confessor X: Oh.
Remember: You are like a snowflake. Beautiful. Unique. White. Only here for a short time. People get mad when you sit on their cars.
Follow me for more fitness tips.
I just read that if you eat a slice of bread first thing in the morning and one last thing at night, everything you eat in between makes it a sandwich
I had bottomless mimosas yesterday and got way too drunk and just found out I got kicked out a bar called mollys because I asked our bartender four times if she was Molly. Not Molly, if you see this, I’m sorry.
My wife steals my fries as if she identifies as a seagull.
doctor: you fell 5 feet and hit your head. you might have some brain damage
me: did i break my legs?
doctor: it was only 5 feet
me: and they’re ALL broken?!
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they start swimming (into my fists)
I think everyone should get to vote which family member should get shot with a bow and arrow
Men be like this is my all in one shampoo-conditioner-body wash-face soap-toothpaste-car wax
I ran out of coffee and my husband said I should just have tea instead so the next time he wanted to have sex I said he should just have tea instead
If our bodies are the result of “intelligent design,” explain sneezes.
I’ll wait.
go ahead and make fun of me for listing my religion as “burrito” but no one’s ever waged war in the name of chipotle
My husband tried to drop me off at my parents’ house when we were driving back from the airport after our honeymoon bc he had forgotten that we were, in fact, married and now lived in the same house.
Dear parents,
Here is your reminder to delete the 1000 photos your 3-year-old took while playing with your phone.