Boys are cute how they’re all “I like girls that don’t wear heavy makeup” and “get down from that tree near my window or I’ll call the cops”
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I dipped my toe into social media in 2015. I should have severed that toe.
what is your skin care routine? mine is mac n cheese
A woman at work told me I had great energy which is entirely plausible as I just ate a lithium battery.
thinking about the time i moved into a new spot and there were bullet holes in the ceiling and the owner said the previous resident had seen a real big spider
This kinda thing happens to me often
I’m trying to get things done. However I keep finding other things that needs to be done first in order to complete the work I want to finish.
It’s like being in a video game. I want to fight the main boss but I gotta do all this side quest shit to unlock him.
When I was growing up I always loved making sandcastles with my grandmother, at least until mom started hiding the urn.
I seriously have no problem with Bill Gates putting chips in the vaccine. I do take issue with him not including dip.
I once made a mistake with plurals.
It was an amazing feet.
If she’s “one-in-million” there’s 1,344 of her in China.
SECURITY GUARD: Sir, you can’t be here.
ME: But I AM here.
SECURITY: I understand that, but you can’t be in this area.
ME: I think I have definitely shown that is not true.
Used shampoo instead of shower gel and now my body has up to 70% more body.
“Mommy don’t sit on the swing because you’re going to make it wider!” – my daughter screaming to me at the park
WIFE: The fire department is at the front door again
ME: *hiding my mixtape* Do they look mad?
Therapist: what was it like growing up?
Me: I just [reaches for tissues] kept getting taller.
News: Eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine have health benefits.
Me [dipping Milky Way Bar in merlot]: I’m going to live forever.
My first and biggest lesson in framing was when I saw my uncle asking 3 children who wanted to take a bath and they all squirmed and loudly yelled NOOOO and then he asked “Who wants to be the FIRST! to take a bath?” and they literally started fighting to be the first
Me: Did you know a cockroach can live for weeks with no head?
Him: That’s nothing. Husbands sometimes go for years.
thanks for the crochet armor, mom, I’m sure it will work just fine
*at a rave*
“EXCUSE ME MISS, WOULD YOU LIKE TO DANCE?”
*45 minutes later*
“THIS IS A LONG SONG”
Don’t you dare look at me with that come hither stare; I haven’t hithered in years.
Casual sex robots have rebooty calls
ME: these fireworks are so quiet
WIFE: those are palm trees
reasons why people don’t want to return to offices:
-unpaid travel
-packing lunch
-the bear in the conference room
-dress codes
-the bear stole my lunch
-someone help
-my boss told me to take it up with hr
-it’s eating my sandwich
-code switching
Dinner conversation:
10YO: What 6 things would you want on a deserted island?
Me: 1) You–
10YO: Seriously? Why would you drag me into that?
[First Day Working At The Zoo]
Me: Well I got the pandas to have sex. It was super easy.
Boss: They actually mated with each other?
Me: Oh not with each other
Me: Why is a squid throwing away all my stuff?
Calamarie Kondo: What
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
Ways to contact strangers, from least to most creepy:
1) Text
2) Call
3) Doorbell
4) Urinal Convo
5) Backseat popup
6) Under bed ankle grab
God is watching everything. God is sitting on side upper birth.