Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t like things as much as I do.
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The Beyond Meat COO was arrested for biting a man’s nose. Once again proving you just can’t beat the real thing.
Mr. Smith: My family names goes back to my ancestor that was a blacksmith.
Mr. Carpenter: Mine goes back to an ancestor that was a woodworker.
Mr. Dickinson: Mine goes back to an ancestor we no longer speak of
Do you Karen promise to love and to cherish Mark, always put the toilet paper on the roll over the top, and not leave crumbs in the butter?
While I might feel unsure how to react, my middle finger is well versed in handling stupid people.
When your chip basket is empty and your server’s busy.
Health status:
Moved on from WebMD and now watching House for any ideas.
I’m glad that when you shoot, you shoot to kill … because shooting to merely wound seems kinda mean.
This is just a quick reminder that we’re all gonna die one day so don’t get caught up in petty shit also stop stealing my tweets Greg.
Instead of a sock on your door, hang a doughnut. Not only is Doughnut Disturb hilarious, you provide a snack for your now homeless roommate.
Just once i’d like to see a chicken picking out a rotisserie person
Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?
Judas: The one I kiss is Jesus Christ.
Soldier: You can just point to him.
Judas: (putting on lip-balm) I don’t tell you how to do your job.
WIFE: I wish you would drop this stupid genie act
HUSBAND: honey I already told you, you’re out of wishes
My grandad’s novel about his killer bicep workout would’ve been a huge success if that jerk Hemingway hadn’t stolen ‘A Farewell to Arms’
BOSS: *rubbing bridge of her nose* Why were you late again?
ME: Well it’s High Five Wednesday, and I passed an aquarium full of Octopuses
If you do not brick up your chimney this year to keep Santa out, you’re not taking this virus very seriously.
No one:
Me: oh thank you I got it on sale.
My friends asked me to go camping so I made of a list of the things I will need: 1. new friends
Suggested my 10 y/o daughter pay for her friend’s birthday gift with her tooth fairy cash and she said, “No way, I sacrificed body parts for that money.”
Cool how most makeup tutorial videos are like: ok, first, start out already young and pretty with no makeup.
Tonight a woman showed me a picture of her 6’2, muscled up, super hot 21 year old son, and I calmly said, “What a handsome young man,” instead of “Holy shit,” even though I’d had 3 Cosmopolitans, if anyone is looking to hire a diplomat.
When someone asks me why I’m leaving the party early, I say “I’m late for an appointment with my pajamas.”
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
Drops a case of canned beer down the steps before bringing them to your BBQ
Teacher: Your daughter is doing so well at school we’d like to move her forward a year.
Me: *whispering* oh my god they invented time travel.
😜
With KFC’s announcement they’ve created an edible coffee cup, the chain is ready to face its next challenge: creating edible food.
The Turkey took our temperature before he would come out of the oven!!!
Whenever I take my kids to the zoo I think this is exactly where they belong.
Me: You’re not allowed on the couch.
Dog: Oh yah? Well you’re not allowed to scratch my head!
Me:
Dog:
Me: Didn’t think that through, did you?
Dog: Not really, no.