I feel like whoever named it a “magic marker” was really overselling their product expectation-wise.
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My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.
In my 20’s: why is eating healthy such a big deal anyways.
In my 40’s: oh.
Caught myself staring into the medicine cabinet like I do with the refrigerator.
You’re an atheist? Well I don’t believe you. See how you like it.
We have tornado weather coming towards us right now and my kids are being so annoying I think I’m gonna go stand outside.
Throw a baby badger so high that when it lands on your enemy it’s fully grown and very upset. You left town years ago. The perfect crime.
Just dyed a bald eagle red, white & blue & forced my family to eat 3 apple pies each. We’re all crying. It’s awesome.
that colleague who touches your screen
My annoying little cousin is bragging about how he sleeps in a race car bed. Whatever, you little idiot.. I sleep in a real car.
Me: I should tell him how I feel.
Beer: Nah.
Vodka: Just be sweet about it.
Whiskey: Or yell it.
Tequila: MAKE SURE YOU CRY GUYS LOVE THAT
daughter: what if the easter bunny actually is a huge rabbit
me: heh what else could it be
daughter: [leaves]
me: [alone w my thoughts] what else could it be
Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.
If revenge is a dish best served cold AND revenge is sweet then revenge is basically ice cream.
Bring it.
Don’t you hate it when you go into the bathroom at a party to sneak out of the window, and their bathroom doesn’t have a window, so you have to bust through the wall like the Kool-Aid Man?
I’m at that age where all of my sentences start like this one.
Like an alarm clock but it’s your toddler standing next to your bed with a mascara wand whispering “I make you beautiful”.
(at the gym). Hey can somebody spot me while I walk up the stairs?
I couldn’t take Breaking Bad seriously bc Walter White looked like Ned Flanders.
At the start of last decade, I was at a high school party, watching my crush kiss my cousin. Now, 10 years later, I’m finally the one kissing my cousin.
[at the office]
Batman: somebody hit the batmobile while I was inside the building.Harvey Dent:
me: [sets to bed time reminders on my Fitbit to be responsible]
Later that night
Fitbit: time for bed
me: DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO
You should walk a mile in my shoes but make a U-turn at the half mile mark because I’m gonna need those shoes back.
Just farted loudly outside my office before checking to see if anyone was nearby. Nobody was. It’s called the #edge, & I am #livin on it
That song stuck in my head is “Don’t Speak,” I’ve no doubt in my mind.
Go ahead. Order anything you want. Money is no object when we dine at Le Foodcourte du Costco.
Watched a quiet place part 2 tonight and all I could think about was how screwed they all are once that baby becomes a toddler
Under Bush we had 3 Shrek movies.
Under Obama we had 1.
Can we really trust a president whose #1 goal was to bring down the Shrek franchise?
*Ordering Chinese Food
Vanilla Ice: I’ll have egg rolls and chicken fried rice rice baby
Cat: my owner is asleep. What if he is dead?
Cat 911: just walk on his face and find out.