There are two versions of every story and the drunk one is usually the better one
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waitress: what can i get you to drink?
me: house margarita.
waitress: [slowly] margarita good
You know what’s worse than someone’s phone alarm playing the tune over and over? Someone else who starts whistling along.
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
as is their right
“You called about a break-in?”
“I did.”
“Anything stolen?”
“Just some food.”
“Anything else?”
“She messed up the furniture.”
“She?”
“Blonde girl. Jumped out the window.”
Is ChatGPT my father in law because it keeps making stuff up and passing it as fact
[blind date]
HER: i love classic rock
ME: (trying to impress) i’ve been to Stonehenge
Me: 46 and out of shape
Also me: Looks around for NBA scouts any time I make a basket
My kids baked a cake and now I have to eat it all tonight because it’d be unhealthy for them to eat it for breakfast tomorrow
Obama: What should we do about Syria?
Biden: Batman.
Obama: For the last time Joe, he’s not real.
Biden: YOU’RE NOT REAL. *runs out crying*
I’m only human — unless I have to figure out a captcha, then I am unable to prove that I am a human.
People joke that soup acts “all dramatic” when you put it in a microwave, but if you put those same people in a microwave, they would freak out. Hypocrites.
“What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas”
*Buys wife plane ticket to Vegas
There are innumerable mental health benefits of spending time in nature, but that doesn’t mean coming into the forest and screaming “fix my life” at the trees.
This is the way the world ends.
Not with a bang but with a Zoom meeting that never ends due to technical issues.
If “bae” means bacon and eggs then yes, I’m chilling with my bae
[Job interview]
Employer: please explain the gap on your resume
Me: what…they were hiring
[Lou Bega voice]
One, two, three four
[Proclaimers voice]
five hundred miles
[First day as a Waiter]
Customer: Waiter, my fish has glass in it.
Me: Probably what killed it.
Age 8: Flinging myself off the swings at high speed onto a concrete floor, bouncing up instantly and laughing before bounding away like a gazelle.
Age 48: Raising my eyebrows in a slightly more robust way than usual and fracturing my skull.
Fat chances are my favorite chances
Doctor: Open your mouth (inserts tongue depressor)
Me: Mmm, this tastes good.
Dr: You should have tasted it when the Popcicle was on it!
My credit card was declined and when I called Visa they asked me to verify that I was a 39 year old man buying a unicorn frappuccino.
Black Friday Shopping Tips:
1. You don’t need anything
2. You can’t afford anything
3. You’ll just be in the way
*puts on winter boots*
*trudges through newly fallen legos*
Then I said, “hi hungry, I’m dad!:
Other dads:
Her: Mmm, you smell nice, what’s that cologne?
Me: Oh, something French and expensive. I wanted to impress you.
Cat: It’s Febreze-scented cat litter dust from changing my litter box.
Me: You’re a really shitty wingman, Felix.
when u have no idea what ur doing but u don’t let that stop u
I don’t get laid on Saturdays. The last two words were unnecessary.
In a parallel universe, there’s a grandma hiding in a wolf’s den, dressed up as a wolf waiting for its cub to return so she can eat it