The fact that twitter is at it’s busiest during working hours probably tells you all you need to know about the worlds economic problems
You Might Also Like
Welcome to your fifties, your movie reviews are no longer thumbs up or thumbs down, they’re did I fall asleep or stay awake.
I met my husband on eHarmony, which is Tinder for back when the smartest things our phone could do was make you pay $2 to play an actual song as your ringtone
I’m starting to think that guy in 5th grade isn’t going to ask me to couple skate
Had a dream Andrew Garfield & I were being chased & he started rubbing sand on my arm & I was like, “why?” And he was all, “it’ll help mate” but he was only rubbing one arm & then I woke up to my cat aggressively licking that arm cause he was hungry
Arrange marriage are scary. What if my husband doesn’t like my boyfriend? 🙄
black phone good
I’m tired tomorrow.
it’s only anxiety if it comes from the anxious region of the brain otherwise it’s just sparkling nervousness
*orders sushi for delivery*
*throws towel over aquarium*
*phone rings
Me: Hello?
Telemarketer: Hello how are you today?
Me to son: Come here baby, SpiderMan is on the phone!
Apparently you can’t make a baby by adding water to baby powder, so don’t waste your time.
My 7yo has three aunts. He calls them Auntie Ice Cream, Auntie Lego, and Auntie Pam. Time to step up your auntie game, Pam.
Just saw my husband’s glasses on the side of a milk carton.
Damn boy, are you leftover pizza in the fridge? Because I’ve been thinking about you all night…
Drinking alone last week
– depressing
– antisocial
– i “have a problem”Drinking alone today at 11 am
– conscientious
– courageous
– saving your nana’s life
how come kids always get lice but you never hear about adults getting lice. no workplace ever brings the lice inspection lady in to check the office. no one comes home from work like “sorry honey. tim on the fifth floor gave everyone lice again”
I truly wonder what it sounded like when Medusa washed her hair at night.
[the Schrödinger home – Vienna, 1897]
“You see? She is both dead and al-”
“Erwin, let your cousin out of the bathroom. NOW.”
*gf breaks up w/ me*
me: [running on platform alongside train as she rides away]
IS IT BECAUSE I SAY EX-SQUEEZE-ME INSTEAD OF EXCUSE ME?
my buddy: hey nick you want a beer?
the t1000 impersonating me: nah im good
my buddy: cool cool…. (slowly reaches for a shotgun under the counter)
Me: You’ll never take me alive.
Executioner: Yeah that wouldn’t make sense.
weighted blankets are not enough. hit me with a shovel
i’ve dated so many tools i could open a home depot
Staying in a cabin with three other guys for a weekend has just become a race to say, “There he is!” anytime someone enters a room.
get yer dragons here! get yer dragons… I have menthol and non-menthol, get yer dragons!!
This device could predict incoming phone calls.
Crazy how women have the stereotype of being chatty when 90% of dudes have 45 minute podcasts that no one listens to…
People can’t drive.
Take this guy behind me for example, doing 110 mph with flashing blue lights.
What the hell is a ECILOP anyway??
Motion-activated paper towel dispensers should define what motion activates them. I’ve yet to get one until I’ve done the entire hokie-pokie
Me: I want to travel
Bank account: Where? To work?