[first day as marriage counselor]
HER: we’re trying to have a baby
ME: ok I’ll step outside
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Every so often I’ll tell my son the car is making strange noises and that I need to listen just to get a break from hearing him talk.
*rings bell*
“Can I help you?”
Yes I’d like a dragon on my back an-
*starts pooping on a crucifix*
WTF? *checks sign on door*
“Taboo Artist”
The moment my toddler figured out how to open a door was a lot like the raptor kitchen scene in Jurassic Park.
[Gets cut off by a Pruis]
*Speeds up to cut off Prius then drops a banana peel behind me**Prius spins out of control*
Thug life.
I don’t know how to act 40, so I’m just doing what I did when I was 20 twice as hard.
Before they built this Trader Joe’s, there was just an empty field with wild shoppers politely blocking each other’s way
How I like cutting carbs
My 4yr old daughter just charged me $47 for a fake cake she cooked in her pretend oven.
I laughed.
…
She stared at me until I paid her.
My favorite adult hack is when I carefully and thoughtfully put something very important away so I can’t lose it and then I never find it again
Toddlers wait until you’re at your breaking point to lean in for a hug and headbutt you right in the eye socket.
*gets stabbed and looted by mugger*
me: “oh yeah just leave like everyone else does”
I’m keeping an eye on the cult headquarters, call that compound interest
Owner: I want to charge 6.99 for a cookie
Devil: I’ve got an idea
speed dating but it’s just me changing tables at a restaurant every few minutes trying a bite of everyone’s food
Santa Claus: I bring presents to children around the world.
Easter Bunny: I bring children baskets of candy.
Tooth Fairy: I collect human teeth.
*others back away*
Opening dryer:
Me: where’s the left sock?!
Parallel universe me: where’s the right sock?!
Other parallel universe me: extra pair again! Thank you, sock gods!
My girlfriend has started pronouncing the word “pedant” “pendant” as a kind of accusation, taunting me, daring me to say something
I just discovered that first aid kits do not include slices of pizza in it and I feel so betrayed.
Her: Is my new concealer working?
Me: Who said that?
[date]
HER: no more Scooby Doo imitations
ME: ok
WAITER: today’s special is baby octopus
ME: [Shaggy voice] zoinks
HER: I’m done
ME: ruh roh
After seventeen years, today is the day I finally tell my wife she’s been folding our bathroom towels wrong.
Life’s most terrifying 10 seconds: Being held hostage in the corner of the shower by cold water.
one of my favorite Halloween memories was trick or treating and a very stoned dude in his 20’s opened the door and was like “oh man I forgot it was today. Let me see if I have anything for you” and then I hear him going through his pantry and he goes “do you like soup”
[telling a scary story to a group of moths] and when she opened the door..[holds flashlight to face] she- AH GET OFF OF ME YOU GUYS
I’m at that age where the most pain-free method of putting on socks is to just throw them at my feet and hope for the best.
If I hug you longer than 3 seconds, I’m picking your pockets.
Everyone at this whistling convention looks extremely suspicious.
Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.
How come it’s called an “engagement ring” and not kneel diamond?