Bear of bad news: Hey, sport. You might wanna be sitting down. Ready? Oh god how do I put this? I’m gonna have to maul the shit out of you.
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[Later, Snake sees a Lizard]
Snake (to God): DUDE! Seriously??
*God and Lizard high-five, adding insult to injury*
My ex mother in law once commented that she wished her son had stayed married to his first wife.
Me too, I replied.
Prince: Rapunzel, let down your hair.
Rapunzel: Hair, you’ll never be beautiful, you’ll always have split ends.
*hair is super let down*
What do people in non-baseball countries call second base?
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
Active voice: I loved your book
Passive voice: Your book was loved
Passive-aggressive voice: I love how you felt the need to write a book
Me: Why the fake mustache and hat?
Wife: Your text.
M: Huh?
W: It said you wanted to try some “Burt stuff”.
M: Um, Honey-
W: Call me Bandit.
[standing next to the boss at the urinal]
Ok, don’t act weird.“That’s some impressive bladder volume, sir.”
My 20 year old cousin got his own apartment and it’s going pretty well
[Courtroom]
Lawyer: It wasn’t the fall that hurt you?
“No sir, it was…THE GROUND!”
*courtroom erupts*
*handcuffs are thrown on the ground*
I bumped into a cute guy today.
I clawed his face off.
I should work on my people skills.
How do I answer the question “do you react well to anesthesia?” if I’m not allergic & I wake up fine but also when I had a colonoscopy I told the doctor he looked like a sexy Aladdin & when my gallbladder was removed I started singing “Smoke on the Water” to the scrub nurse?
January 2020: New year, new me.
May 2020: *primal scream*
We should remove the warning labels from everything and let the stupidity problem take care of itself.
no caffeine: day 6
-sleeping better
-stable moods
-less anxious
-can’t think straight
-i’m exhausted
-3 people are dead
Pizza is a good argument against nihilism.
My boss asked me for a brief word. I said “underpants?” and we laughed and laughed and I’m clearing out my desk.
Had a job interview at a mirror store today and I gotta say I could really see myself working there
Lately I do feel like my body and I are in a passive-aggressive fight that’s rapidly escalating.
My neighbor is mowing his lawn.
There is snow on the ground.
[locks doors]
Dog pissed about wearing cone after surgery. Dog spends night banging cone against walls, keeping human awake.
Dog-1
Human-0
Never trust a fortune teller buying more than 1 lottery ticket.
[first date]
me: let’s just say I’ve kissed a lot of frogs
her: to meet your princess?
me: er yeah, whatever you say…
Quoting famous dead people on the internet is stupid.
~Confucius
I wish I had the confidence of a person who marks themselves as “safe” on Facebook.
Anybody looking for skeletons for Halloween decorations, there’s still a few complete ones in my yard.
Motion detecting home security camera working well!
My husband wants to Facetime me while he’s in Germany. I’m like, it’s going to be a little awkward with my boyfriend in the background, but whatever.
I always took the phrase “God moves in mysterious ways” to mean that he walks like a crab.