A fun prank is to search “buy antique dolls” on someone’s computer because then all their Facebook targeted ads are creepy dolls forever
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DOCTOR: “Ok, now PUSH!”
WOMAN IN LABOUR: “Should I be doing this in my state?”
DR: [leaning out of car window] “Less talky, more pushy.”
The beauty industry:
For men: This can be used as a shampoo, body wash, face wash, lotion, mouth wash, tooth paste, engine degreaser, spackle, or sunscreen
For women: We’ve specially formulated this moisturizer for your left elbow
If you’re an adorable old person in a romcom, you’ve got a massive target on your back
Before Twitter I had to disappoint people in person.
I’m too immature to use a recipe that calls for cumin.
Apparently people will pay to be subjected to medieval torture devices if you call the place a “gym.”
Today’s assignment:
Walk up to people with a manila envelope and ask them “Have you seen this person?” and pull out a picture of yourself
The danger of me asking why people don’t like Taylor Swift’s new boyfriend is that someone might tell me.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change & the strength to lift a car over my head. Saving the third wish for later.
‘what goes on inside your head?’ nothing i wanna be a part of
Sometimes when my kids are following me around the grocery store, I walk in circles around things to test their loyalty.
*throws back out*
Back: Let me back in baby, I can change.
My Therapist thinks i need a women in my life. But all the women i know thinks i need a therapist.
u buy breath mints? who needs to buy breath mints, people give me breath mints all the time, they just hand it to me like “here, take this.” also, why are u buying soap
bewitching sea ghost seeks unwary sailor for fulfillment of ancient curse, maybe more
I have friends close enough to finish my sentences, but if they keep doing that, I will hang up on them.
Brain: Let’s play a game.
Me: What?
Brain: Remember where you parked before the ice cream melts.
Me: Fuuuuu……
I don’t have emotional baggage , I have got a small carry on griefcase
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
Ways in which I’m like a bus:
– Often late
– Breakdown at the worst possible times
– Demand change from other people
– Weird smells
°waldo at the gym° can’t none of y’all spot me
dictator is short for richard potato
[guy who’s about to invent dates]
*eating a meal* what if I could disappoint someone else at the same time?
Some people rescued a great white shark that washed up on a beach, just like sharks would do for us if we were carried out into the ocean.
I’m at the grocery store at 10pm buying a bottle of wine with a bag of quarters… I understand why you want to see my ID.
Don’t make my same mistake. See the signs. Make a change.
I saw this ending much differently.
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
If you want your friends to stop asking you to work out with them, go once. Show up in leather. Bring your workout cake.
Me: Your cat looks pregnant
Friend: Impossible it’s an indoor cat
Me: What have you done