CUSTOMER: i’m here for the $10 car wash?
CAR WASH GUY: *scrubbing car with a soapy ten-dollar bill* that’ll be $44.99
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I don’t know who needs to see this but don’t ever answer your phone on your way home from work. They want you to stop at the store.
Overheard, my kids-
7: did you know when you’re older you’ll have boobies like mummy?
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3: don’t be silly, when I’m older I’ll be a panda
I’m at a hockey game and the players weren’t really trying but then a guy 5 rows up yelled “come on” and then they tried harder.
When I say, “No problem,” I mean, “YOU REMEMBER THIS FAVOR FOREVER.”
If I learned just one thing as a parent, it’s that by the 3rd kid they can be juggling samurai swords and hand grenades and you won’t care as long as they’re doing it quietly.
I could ride my Peloton from here on the east coast all the way across the country and off a cliff into the Pacific Ocean and never stop to eat and people will still ask when I am due as I plummet
[during fight]
him: I’ll cancel our dinner plans.
me: What? Why?? I still like food, it’s you I don’t like.
Did I say feelings? I meant uhhh sandwiches. I have sandwiches for you.
Writing a letter to Santa now because I don’t wanna seem like one of those friends that only reaches out when I want something
*me liking the smell of gasoline* “i have really expensive taste”
Tiny Son: Mommy, I can’t wait to be a ghost so I can see what’s inside of trees.
*me carrying in all of the groceries
Wife: I feel bad, I don’t have anything
Me: You always have me
Wife: See what I’m saying
I wanna look like a snack this summer but I keep eating them
Chocolate: You’re a little emotional.
Ice cream: It’s gonna be okay.
Grilled cheese: I’m here for you.
Whiskey: Everything’s FINE
Tequila: LET’S WATCH THE HALLMARK CHANNEL
Son: Dad?
Me: Yeah?
S: Do you have a plan for the ‘Zombie Apocalypse’?
M: Sure do.
S: What is it?
M: To run faster than you & your sister.
Time flies when you duct tape an alarm clock to a pelican.
Avoid getting invited to family reunions by asking your relatives for money.
Flirting tip.
Ask a woman if she’s pregnant. When she says she’s not, ask her if she wants to be.
Trust me, I’m a guy from Twitter.
You don’t have to drive me crazy, I’m close enough to walk.
*feels painful possible cavity*
*eats chocolate to feel better*
Vacuumed a section of carpet 20 times before I realized I was trying to clean up a patch of sunshine.
Intellectual powerhouse.
Right here.
No need to drive me crazy. I can walk from here.
Wish a poltergeist would move in so there’d be someone else to blame when I lose my shit.
We’re gonna party like its 1999.
//breaks out Nokia flip phone and starts to panick about Y2K//
me: awhinersayswhat?
daughter: what?
*my wife and I high five*
Me: {drops lungs at dry cleaners} Moderate bleach, light press, air dry, and fluff before pick up my good man
Wife to our oldest daughter: “Go brush your teeth with your sister.”
Me to our oldest daughter: “Sweetie, don’t listen to your mother. Use a toothbrush.”
My horoscope said I’d come into some money today, I was so excited until I found a five dollar bill in the washing machine.
what’s really going on
bought some granny panties— turns out they’re not even made of little old ladies