I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery,
but there will be signs…
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Life tip – buy a birthday card with your morning bottle of wine and people will think it’s a gift.
You are welcome.
My wife and I play this adorable game where I pick a place to eat and she says no until it’s someone else’s idea.
i like dropping bombshells on my therapist in the last few minutes so it feels like we’re ending each session on a cliffhanger
When something with a lifetime warranty breaks, they send a hitman to your house.
Me: The house is a disaster. We all need to clean.
8-year-old: Who’s coming over?
Me: No one. We’re cleaning for us.
8: But we already know we live like this.
[Headless Horseman birthday party]
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: [opens present] Another hat? Haha guys okay I get it you can cut it out now.
My next superhero script is about a guy in LA who, after a freak gamma ray accident, has the power to drive a car in the rain.
please tell me this song is literally about cheesecake and nothing else
Cathy on FB is “feeling annoyed” and is asking why people even own cell phones if they’re not gonna answer.
Can I tell her? Pleeease.
her: i smoked a lot of pot. what did u try in college
me: *crying* MY BEST, OK?
Him: You smell nice, what is it?
Me: Chips and dip.
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
Tom’s of Maine is a really good deodorant to buy if you don’t mind spending a little extra to smell like you don’t use deodorant.
The room goes silent as I demurely sing the first lines of “On My Own.” I take a deep breath before clutching the hand of the person standing in the next urinal.
Another impossible beauty standard for women to live up to
ballet teacher: “The girls tell me you’re going to a country that doesn’t allow children?”
Yes. I’m in my parenting powermove liar liar pants on fire era.
The vet said he can’t prescribe my imaginary horse anymore ketamine.
I’d buy a lot more exercise pants if they were called eating pants.
My kids are teenagers, and I’ve found the same thing fixes their bad moods as when they were toddlers: a snack and a nap.
I hate when idiots are like “Just punch a shark in the nose and he’ll leave.” Yea, just punch a submerged 2 ton killing machine in the nose.
Don’t get it. Heard the phrase “keep your friends clothes & keep your enemies clothes, sir”. Now I have a bunch of naked people angry at me.
Has anyone tried cutting the pandemic with a knife to make sure it isn’t actually an illusion cake?
Heartbreaking: Introvert sentenced to 100 hours of hanging out.
Meanwhile, during my children’s baptism into the Catholic church …
Priest: Do you renounce Satan and all his works?
My 5yo son: *scrunching up his face* Sometimes.
music journalism is simply finding a thousand ways of saying ‘good and also catchy’
Coworker: it’s weird not having snacks in the breakroom anymore
Me *quickly shoving donut drawer closed* good how are you
Singin’ in the Rain is a beloved Oscar-winning classic, but singin’ on the train will get you harsh stares and a six seater all to yourself.
A headhunter on LinkedIn wanted me to apply for a job as a bank manager. That’s quality recruitment work right there. Get the English major to run your bank.
I’m not entirely sure what numbers are. When I buy something, I just hand over an amount of money and hope it’s right.
I realize I put this off but how much weight can I lose in 2 hours?