If you get nervous when the IT support desk takes control of your computer remember they’re whispering “no weirdos please” to themselves.
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Guy: Why does everyone call you “Gross Gary”?
Gary: [filling a canteen with hotdog water] Nobody calls me that.
Last night after 6 pegs though I felt confident to drive I acted responsibly and called an Uber.
But before I could board my wife came running and took me back home.
If your surname is Rice and you don’t name your kid, Fried then I can never be friends with you.
My husband wants to install surround sound because apparently what our family really needs is to hear Let it Go with 360 audio.
I always have the urge to bite and I hate garlic, I hope they’re signs.
My wife reads two books a week and I just told my son that an idiom is a group of idiots.
Hot air balloons kick ass. Are they safe? Not really. Can you stop if you don’t like it? Think again. BUT can you steer? Listen don’t bring that negative energy into this wicker basket ok I’m gonna light this flamethrower.
My husband listens to me like he doesn’t realize there’s going to be a quiz later.
A fun thing to do would be to eat rat poison during a dinner party & then, when you die, they’ll blame the host’s cooking. Lol.
me: I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: is he in line
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
16 zombie actors injured on movie set. Saddly no one noticed for 3 hours.
I’m so anti-social, my misery loathes company.
Me: I’m a solid eight
Friend: Wow. Out of ten?
Me: What lol god no
I don’t understand people with bare desks. My desk looks like a barfight started next door, crashed through my office, and kept on moving.
I’m skipping the gym today because I already have a six pack…
waiting for me in the fridge at home.
No idea who she is but I want her to know I’m a huge fan and supporter of her work ✨
I have a new alter ego named Princess of Optimism. You may call me Poo.
I JUST DRUNK 37 MONSTER ENERGYS AND NOW I CAN SMELL ABSTRACT LEGISLATIVE EUPHEMISMS
I don’t usually share cat things on Twitter. But I’ll make an exception for this.
[Morgue]
Cop: Sir, I know it’s tough but we need you to ID the bodyMe looking at corpse: *takes deep breath* Are—are you over 21?
Hear me out.. fashion bibs for adult messy eaters, like me
[at the pet store]
Me: I’d like a baby lizard please
[later at home]
Me: isn’t he cute?
Wife [heavily pregnant]: I said a baby monitor
I’ve been barred from the local Mexican restaurant for repeatedly bringing and summoning my waiter with my personal maracas
My husband and I had a few cocktails while we were out shopping and don’t remember what we bought the kids. I’m so excited to see what we got them on Christmas morning.
I’d love to have a sex change. Preferably from ‘none’ to ‘absolutely shitloads’.
valentines day should involve piñatas so single people can vent and still get candy lmao
I kept getting my shin badly grazed by the pedal of my bike when I was was a kid, that was one vicious cycle.
My son just called his mom an “interrupting chicken” so I’m real keen to see how this plays out
it should be socially acceptable to just face the wall at a party when you need a break from talking