I may have failed as a lifeguard in myriad ways, but don’t you dare say I wasn’t punctual.
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My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
My date telling me that I reminded her of her father would have made me feel much less uncomfortable at dinner than it did the next morning.
Let’s talk about my ability to hold a grudge. Back in ’78, a friend of mine bought me an album by The Rolling Stones, but she opened it and recorded it first. To this day, I refer to her as “Kathy, you know, the one that opened that album…”
Other Mom: We just got back from a trip to the Caribbean, so we are trying to get our life back to normal. You know how it is.
Me: Totally. We just got back from a trip to the grocery store.
Most women put a bun on the top of their head, they look like a ballerina. I do it and I’m Tweetybird’s Granny from Looney Tunes.
Don’t quote me, but I’m pretty sure mint Oreos are filled with toothpaste.
My 3-year-old said she wished we had a pet. I reminded her we have a dog and wow the genuine surprise on her face as it dawned on her that our dog is a pet and not just some other guy who lives here.
My kid in a house made of snacks, lying on a bed made of snacks, wearing clothes made of snacks, while eating a snack: “Can I have a snack?”
Bad weather is My way of temporarily punishing you. Bad climate is your way of permanently punishing you.
[first day as co-pilot]
ME: Okay folks we’re going down
PILOT: [leaning over to unplug my headset] Good effort but it’s “we’ve started our descent”
PASSENGERS: [just losing their shit]
Congratulations, Americans who write “Cheers” at the end of e-mails. You’ve found something even more pretentious than “Sent from my iPhone”
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
And if I die before I wake
Good
-On second thought, this is a terrible waste of trees
-I love how you care for the planet honey, but just bring me the toilet paper already
Me: I’m so emotional today
8 ice cream sandwiches: We can help!
Just ghostbustered some flies with the vacuum – hope you idiots like legos
Ex-wife died in a car wreck yesterday. Didn’t send flowers, thought might be weird to the family. That and didnt know other drivers address.
Looks the same on the way in, as it does on the way out
[trying to ride a horse]
ME: oh shit how do i slow down?!
GUY OUTSIDE THE SUPERMARKET: this is for children
She wasn’t like other girls.
She was fifty stories of ceramic and titanium, bristling with particle cannons and mass drivers, built to drive back the horrors that came from between the stars and perhaps one day bring the war to their doorsteps.
And prom was in one week…
Whoever coined, “No good deed goes unpunished,” must have fed some seagulls.
[drive thru window]
[apologize to homeowners]
once i got commissioned to review a film, and when i went to file my story I said “Here’s my review! Not a great movie tbh” and then forgot to paste in the Google Doc link, so the editor replied being like “oh… we’d still like an article?”
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
Married life is waking up early to preheat your wife’s car. Then taking $10 out her purse as a tip for your services.
Interviewer: what qualifies you as a horticulturist?
Me: I have something growing on everything in my fridge.
them: i hate answering emails
me: yeah, it’s the worst
them: let’s just have a meeting
me: wait
If you’re planning a family vacation to a destination that has beautiful ocean views and is kid friendly, make sure you don’t.
What’s it called when there’s a bunch of big dry leaves on a darkened path but only one of them comes tumbling towards you.
A rat. A rat is what.
I’m not a doctor, which is why I’m able to offer surgeries for so much less than my competitors.
shout out to camera phones not being invented until well after my glo-stick period