I want to put a ‘Honk If You Love Jesus’ bumpersticker on a goose
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I hope in my next life I come back as a dog so my pills will be wrapped in cheese
How Vaccines Work 🧫🧬🦠💉 (everyone needs to watch this)
No coupon is really “expired” if you cry hard enough.
my husband fell asleep and I don’t know how to turn the volume down on his game without killing his village or whatever so I guess the soundtrack to my insomnia tonight is intense medieval lute music
Longest English word:
‘pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosi’Longest Spanish word: ‘GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLL’
I love the compliments my boss gives like “wow you’re on time today” and “great job ignoring dress code again”.
friend: can you help me plan the baby shower?
me: sure. lather, rinse, repeat.
Say what you will about Facebook but when my wife sees posts by my extended family, at least I don’t look so bad.
*getting murdered*
Me: *pointing to murderer’s t-shirt* Ha ha, you went to a Justin Bieber concert
Q: How do you stop an astronaut’s baby from crying?
A: You rocket!
#HatDadJoke
Apparently saying “Alexa: skip” during my wife’s story is rude
4: I need my princess dress NOW!
Me: You heard the lady! GET HER A PRINCESS DRESS STAT!
4: Who are you talking to?
Me: Your servants
4: I don’t have servants
Me: Exactly
Absolutely noone:
Americans: I took French at school but all I can remember is fromage.
I asked a millennial why she spent so much money on her wedding. She said you only get married once, then I laughed and laughed.
When you’re shopping with your mom and accidently lose track of her
I choose toothpaste NOT recommended by dentists… those sneaky tooth-fiddlers have a lot to gain from promoting one that doesn’t work.
So tired of every man on dating apps saying they’re looking for someone spontaneous. Sir I have anxiety and a career I need a plan.
Hilarious now that anyone thought it was a plot hole that after the events of Jurassic Park that people would dare
A) Re-open the park
B) Be eager to visit the re-opened
Park
Do people who bring bikes on the subway know about riding bikes?
Snake: Oh shit it’s a wolf we gotta run
Armadillo: Go on without me
Snake: no just-
Armadillo: @
Snake: Wait where the hell are you
Armadillo: @
SOMEONE PARKED IN MY SPOT AT WORK. THAT’S IT. I’M GOING HOME.
Friend: Are you in any fantasy sports leagues
Me: I wish *imagining Legolas dunking*
I hate it when people call me judgemental
Especially people wearing shoes like that
I’m hungry what’s for dinner I ask but there’s no one home except for the dog and he isn’t cooking so kibble and doggy biscuits it is.
“Hey, wanna hangout?” “Later.” “Now?” “No, later” “How about now?” “Jesus christ.” -if Adobe Updater was your friend
I’m not saying you’re stupid, but you look like the kind of guy who’d play Russian roulette with an automatic pistol.
Worst Excuses For Being Late
5) Too many dragons
4) Out of dragons
3) I’m not late, Steve is
2) Time is fake
1) Made a list of excuses
What pharmaceutical advertisements love most:
Slow motion
Flowery meadows
Horrifying side effects
Old people sex
White people making dinner
When people ask, “Don’t I know you from somewhere?”, I reply “Yes, we were best friends as children until you murdered my puppy.”
A Dwayne Johnson impersonator is a sham-Rock.