Whenever someone says “I don’t have a horse in that race” I respond with “You don’t have a horse at all, Reggie. You have a cat & diabetes.”
You Might Also Like
*Ok, don’t let them know you’re a dog*
Him: The job is yours. Here’s the keys to your new office. [tosses keys]
*catches keys in my mouth*
Stay vigilante (if you see something, stab something)
My “friend” Adam gave me an electric toothbrush for my birthday. Completely unnecessary. My gas-powered toothbrush still runs fine, “Adam.”
haha of course i know how to pronounce marchioness of cholmondeley but you go first
[Murderer enters my bedroom]
Murderer: murdering time!
Me: not today murderer (safely positions entire body under covers)
Murderer: SON OF A
My kids just watched this video where two You Tubers stopped playing piano to fight each other with knives.
Me: Wow, you two really like comedy
Son: Who doesn’t like comedy?
Daughter: Who doesn’t like knives?
AMERICA:
Where someone will eventually figure out how to fry Vodka
Few things in life are more pleasurable than
turning off the lights in a public bathroom while
people are still inside..
Not to brag but I’m an expert at using laundry to accessorize the living room
Nike is coming out with a line
of Air Brady football shoes.They have a built in suspension feature.
You just have to let some air out.
she kept her secret snacks under the false bottom of a vintage hat box behind the old hoover vacuum in the guest bedroom closet…amateur
[talking with counselor]
I don’t “know” what “she” means that I “use” excessive air quotes
The ONE time I actually want to say “duck”, damn you autocorrect!
“Sorry again! I’d love to join the preschool field trip to the DUCK pond”
Happy Halloween 🎃
what it’s like dating me:
[quickly jumps into the back of a cab]
ME: How far will this get me? *i hand the driver 14 peanut m&ms with the chocolate sucked off*
Some parenting days swing very quickly and extremely between “I’d die for my kid” and “I know why some animals eat their young”.
Protip: To get teens to help bring in groceries, always ask if they want anything before you leave. They’ll be waiting at the door when you return.
At this point the angel on my shoulder just mutters “You’ll regret it,” then slowly sips whiskey.
This may be my favorite dog video ever.
[first day as a real estate agent]
me: as you can see this is a beautiful house
client: how many floors does it have
me: *scratching head* um a lot I think there’s one in every room
At least my meth head neighbor mows his lawn. It’s at 4 am and he’s naked, but still
Dear Samsung,
please also start selling jeans that can accommodate your smartphones.
“You’re in no position to be making demands.”
[does a handstand]
“Company helicopter & 2 months extra vacation.”
“Fair enough.
FRIEND: hey while I’m on vacation can you come over and feed the cat?
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: to what?
This is literally the best thing I’ve ever seen happen on Twitter
A cat burglar, but it’s just me putting stray cats in people’s houses when they leave
Me: oh shit there’s my ex girlfriend will you hold my hand so she gets jealous
Dad: sure kiddo
I may not look good naked, but I’m a beautiful person on the insi….
Hahahaha just kidding
I look great naked
I told our stepmom that when you first log onto Zoom calls, you’re supposed to put your face close to the camera and open your mouth really wide so other callers can examine your teeth.
My brother just sent me an angry text.