This tree does a lot of weird exercises
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Anyone else notice the world starting to get worse after Iron Man died?
Somehow names of kids have gotten more outrageous and names of pets have gotten way more normal. If my wife texts “Kyle was a problem today” I shouldn’t have to wonder if it’s another kid from preschool or my neighbor’s cat.
Birds are fed by their parents in their infancy. When the time comes to feed themselves, there can be some confusion when the food does not go into their mouth by itself.
Me: I’m gonna lose weight.
Me: I’m gonna exercise every day.
Me: I’m gonna go on a diet and stick to it.
Me: Is that cake?
I really hope that I look like the mirror version of me and not the camera version.
where the womens at?
Partner: It’s either me or the abroad scholarship. Choose
Me: I pick u…
Partner: I knew you lov…
Me: …nited airlines
The struggle when hungry me has to eat the lunch that healthy me packed
me: can i withdraw a million dollars
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
You gotta feel for kids today, growing up in a world where all the good screen names are already taken
took my friend to the museum of natural history and she was like this is awesome it’s like being at the zoo but you don’t feel bad the whole time
Him: I just poured out 16.9 ounces for my homie.
Her: Just say you filled the dog’s water bowl.
Me: I’m in charge of the shopping cart when my wife and I go to the grocery store
Cashier: …why are you telling me this?
Turns out inside one of the IKEA sofa boxes was actually a marriage counselor.
I’m not proud
Lots of people have prayed for my downfall. You’re just going to have to get in line, mom.
You’re following someone who just picked up a candle and tried to drink it
When you swallow a spider in your sleep, eat some dead flies the morning after to ensure the spider gives you a positive Trip Advisor rating
[two women sunbathing in garden]
“It’s so nice out here”
“Where’s that creepy guy who lives next door?”
HEDGE “He’s away for the weekend”
Three conspiracy theorists walk in a bar. You can’t tell me that’s just coincidence.
People judge public housing, but it’s cheap and your neighbors sell you drugs so I’m not sure I see the problem…
*personally visits the 7 friends who continually trap me in a rather chatty text message group & punches each of them in the face*
Check out this image, then fill in the blank:
“All these two cared about was ____________”Finish the sentence here:
📷: elevasseur
I had no idea we were millionaires until I just saw my husband casually rip off 3 or 4 paper towels at once.
Me: What are we doing for Valentine’s Day?
My Husband: Raising three kids
I know there’s a lot going on right now in America but my husband just used one of the good towels!
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
I always yell “FORE” when I’m throwing golf clubs out of my car at joggers.
Phones have become so expensive that if you fall and hear a cracking sound you pray that it was your leg.
Spice girls: tell me what you want, what you really, really want
Me: I want all conditioner bottles to say NOT SHAMPOO in big red letters