If you had to choose between voting for Trump or getting into the water with sharks, would you dive in or do a cannon ball?
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Person 1: You should do Yoga.
Person 2: Why would I ever do that little green guy from Star Wars? He’s not sexy at all.
Person 3: She means the picnic basket stealing bear, idiot.
You and I share a very special connection.
*I’m parked outside your house using your Wi-fi.
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
You guys know that there are things higher than kites, right?
MARRIAGE TIP: When your wife forgets to set the timer and incinerates dinner, DO NOT whistle “If I Only Had a Brain” from the Wizard of Oz.
My therapist told me he doesn’t eat bacon or drink coffee, I told him he’s the one that needs a psychologist.
Dear rock bands,
If I am at your show, assume I am both ready and willing to rock. No need to ask.
No, I DON’T know the lyrics. I just want to make the noises.
I could never be a map maker. Not because I think it’s hard, I just don’t know how tf to spell meditarainian.
My husband isn’t drinking while he trains for a marathon. There’s all this pressure on me to be supportive, so, reluctantly, I’m now drinking for both of us.
Me: Goodnight, see you in the morning
3: Goodnight, see you in a minute
Heard my husband scream “NOOOOOO!” from across the house, ran to see if he was okay, then discovered him watching that video of the raccoon who tries to “wash” his cotton candy and then appear visibly upset when it dissolves in the water.
Old Black men vs. Technology is the most heated rivalry in human history.
STAND-UP COMEDIAN: you know how after sex-
ME: [stands up all mad] this isn’t relatable at all
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because make up phrases
Girlfriend: yes
Me: well the spider didn’t warm the egg for it just to hatch
Girlfriend: I have no idea what you’re talking about
How did you get this number..?
– me to my whole family..
Newspapers are cool because you can cut out eye holes and spy on people. Try that with an iPad.
God: [creating Guy Fieri] “Hand me a head.”
Angel: We’re out of human heads.
God: “Hand me a pineapple.”
At the chemist and there is a man asking for a cream to get rid of his daughter’s nightmares, and the sales attendant is so resignedly repeating, “Sir, please, listen to what you’re saying”.
PSA: Calories don’t count today because February 29 doesn’t really exist.
[speed dating]
HER: I’m a real planner. I like people who plan ahead.
ME: *trying to impress her* I’m already wearing a condom
Vacations in your single 20s: backpacking Europe, hiking a Hawaiian volcano, relaxing poolside in St Croix with a book & a cocktail
Vacations in your 40s with kids: WHY IS SAND ON EVERYTHING, STOP FIGHTING, NO DESSERT FOR YOU, WE’RE ALL GOING TO BED EARLY
“Boint, B-U-R-N-T, boint.” – mafia spelling bee.
My girlfriend told me she loved me and wanted to marry me so I shot her in self defense.
FRIEND: i have this great new detox system
it’s all natural and actually works i swearME: is it your liver & kidneys?
i bet it’s your liver & kidneys
Did you know you can just buy live lobsters? Anyway can I use your shower mine is full of lobsters
*holding a rattlesnake in each hand*
These are the angriest maracas I’ve ever played
my kid had her whole class make birthday cards for her dog who celebrated his birthday yesterday.
we don’t have a dog.
“Ninja please” -Japanese people
Just once I’d like to hear a doctor say, “Your guess is as good as mine.”