The cake is mightier than the sword.
You Might Also Like
The most important aspect of opening a Chinese restaurant is hiring a good chicken to fry the rice.
Call me crazy, but the last person who did is still in a full body cast, so it’s up to you.
“Everything the light touches is ours,” I tell my son while opening the fridge.
[Driving]
HUBS: You just blew a stop sign!
ME: Jealous?
How dare you call me mentally unstable, on this, the day of my cat’s quinceanera.
What would Jesus do? Today, take Mary out to Olive Garden.
Doctor: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in my bed
elf on the shelf, except it’s my dog whenever i go to the fridge
Practice self-care like a star, be lonely and distant & allow nothing to survive on your surface.
I’m not humiliating myself here for 3 likes. 5 maybe but not 3.
Not sure video Instagram is a good idea. I’ve never looked at a picture of someone’s dinner and thought, “If only I could hear this.”
Every time I put on my striped socks I always have an ominous feeling that today is the day that a house will drop on me.
The extreme amount of stress I feel when crawling into my sleeping child’s room to leave tooth fairy money proves I could never make it as a spy
I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village’s water. Didn’t go down well.
Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.
Our credit card was stolen but
I decided not to report it ….The thief is spending less
than my wife did.
Seek kebab; not attention
1. gather ’round, young-uns, whiles I tellya bout how yer momma & I met, and also practice this genteel old-timey accent
pirahna: my tooth is killing me
dentist:
pirahna: way in the back
dentist: how are u even out of water
Technically, any crime is a petty crime if you bring your pet to assist you during the crime.
Me: It’s late, and I’m so tired.
My brain: Let’s find a word that rhymes with tequila.
i’m not paying off my credit cards anymore if they wanted that money back they shouldn’t have gave it to me
Whenever a serial killer is caught, I always check my follower list to make sure you’re all still there.
I bet the people worried about what’s in the vaccine never even take a peek in the kitchen when they eat in a restaurant
If you get a new job before you quit your old one, it’s considered responsible.
But if you do that with your gf, it’s called “cheating.”
Genie: last wish
Me: make it so eating makes you skinny and working out makes you fat
Genie: ooh, good one
[answers phone in crowded elevator] give me some good news…HOW contagious?
[brainstorming movie scripts]
writer: a romantic comedy? guy sees girl in red dress and falls in-
stephen king: what if it’s an evil dress
I still remember when my 10th grade English teacher told us we were going to have a special guest FOR WEEKS and then the special guest turned out to be him in a hat.
FIREFIGHTER: You need to get out of here [dodges falling support beam] right now!
ME: [staring at toaster waiting for pop tart] come on come on