Sure sex is great but have you pulled a sticker off something in one go?
You Might Also Like
I love people who order coffee like they’re giving the pass code to a missile defense system.
A “beyond burger” implies the existence of a “bed burger ” and a “bath burger”
WIFE: would you take a bullet for me?
ME: baby I’d take a bullet for anyone
If I had a time machine I’d probably go back and kill Hitler but I’d definitely stop on the way to object at my wedding.
“No YOU’RE a nerd” I say, as I finish carving my cheddar cheese Millennium Falcon
[digging through lost and found]
Target employee: What are you trying to find?
Me: My son
Marry someone who loves Hawaiian pizza so you can just get your own good tasting pizza all to yourself.
i worked at the public library for 3 years. whenever someone returned a book late, i charged the late fee to a fake account. by the time i quit, Mr. Calvin McHobbes of Sparks, Nevada owed $12,793 in overdue fines
You’re not a real family unless you all have different names for the same dog.
if aliens attack we will probably be fine unless they realize how easily we are influenced by traffic cones
Me: A wizard is never late. Nor is he early. He arrives precisely when he means to.
Boss: You work at Quiznos, stupid. And you’re fired.
I work like this:
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
I WILL PUNCH A HORSE FOR HIS FEED BAG AND EAT YOUR BABY FOR DESSERT.
Too full.
Swords just aren’t naturally “wooooshy” enough for me, that’s why I add the noise. That’s why I add the noise, Janet.
I don’t want to speculate about the royal baby’s name, but I’m pretty sure it will start with #.
To whoever needs to hear this: Tie your hair back before you pick up all the dog poop.
Perfect pizza run just now. Every light was green, every merge clear, cop chasing me got in an accident, I couldn’t believe my luck.
Calm down people who start work immediately when they get into work. Just calm down.
There’s a lady on my NextDoor app who likes to jump into long threads and write “can we please stop talking about this” with increasing frustration while everyone ignores her and I love her so much
Airbud being shut down by the oppositions new defender, the vacuum.
Interviewer: “How are your multitasking skills?”
*thinks of all the times I tweet while pooping*
Me: “Excellent.”
You look like the type of person who would try to write a check for a drug deal.
Relax, folks. The dentist apologized for killing #CecilTheLion after he found out Cecil was famous. He meant to murder a NON-famous lion.
I just slipped in the shower and my life flashed before my eyes but it was just a series of other times I almost fell.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but those single unmatched socks that have been on top of your dryer for years have a better chance of finding a mate than you do.
When sewing, always remember pattern placement is key.
Justin Bieber’s home has now been thoroughly searched, but police have uncovered no evidence of talent.
Is it possible to be TOO moisturized, I wonder as I slide off the sofa, out the door, and into oncoming traffic.
Beer doesn’t have many vitamins that’s why you need to drink lots of it
science: the human body is a fine tuned machine
my nervous system: [releases stress chemicals for no reason]
my immune system: [is allergic to pollen, air and ghosts]
my personality: ? [i don’t know who i am lmao]
me: ok
I really hate it when I have to go to work because my abundant wealth doesn’t exist.