ME: I think we’re being followed
DATE: Really?
M: [checks rear-view mirror] Yep
D: Wait you carry that around with you?
M: Just keep walking
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Rice: for when you’re not really
hungry but still wanna eat a 1000
of something.
If I had known “cuties” were little oranges when my wife asked me to “bring a few home,” I could have avoided these awkward introductions.
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
I confused the spatula with a flyswatter is why that is floating in your soup.
Home is where the bag filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags is.
I said “Candyman” 5 times into the bathroom mirror and sure enough some woman came out of the stall and screamed at me for being in there.
Not sure where your kids are? Make a phone call. They’ll be in your face in no time.
Don’t be ashamed of who you are.
That’s your parents job.
8: “Ugh having a mom is so stressful”
– My son when I asked him to hold the door open for me
Thief: Did u see me rob this bank?
Teller: well, yes!*Teller shot in the head*
Thief: DID U SEE ME ROB THIS BANK?
Me: No. But my wife did!
Looking for a friend with benefits. Preferably dental.
*dies and gets to hell*
I really thought I’d lived a good life.
*Satan shows me a video of that time I left a shopping cart in the middle of the parking lot at Target when the cart return was 10 feet away*
Oh yeah. Fair enough.
You may be the stupidest person I’ve ever met. And I’ve met me
Kid at my door: Trick or treat
Me: (holding warm gravy boat) just on the candy corn or all over?
Once upon a midnight dreary, While I pondered my next mealy, Came an empty tapping, a rapping at my pantry door. Quoth the Ramen “ever poor”
Gym memberships are for people who don’t have toddler toys all over the house to pick up.
Wearing my bathing suit as underwear in case a random pool party breaks out sounds way better than too lazy to do laundry.
Start a slow-clap in a quiet, crowded room. The first person that joins you, marry them. They’re your soulmate.
therapist: you need to enjoy the little things
me: like ants
therapist: not exactly
me: [nodding] baby ants
You know what goes great with helping your kid with math homework?
Vodka
HIM: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Wait, just how long is this interview?
You know I’m all about that bass,
‘Bout that bass…
Open casket funeral? Remains to be seen.
Anyone got a 10 year old daughter I could introduce as mine?
Stuck in an elaborate lie after putting my music on shuffle at a party.
ME: funny how there’s no 13th floor to avoid bad luck
WIFE: yeah, but also, this is a three-storey building
This old lady in the grocery store was just giving me the weirdest looks and the worst piggy back ride of my life
A show I auditioned for premieres tonight so we should be filming my scenes any minute now.
Husband: “Lost my keys again.”
Wife: “It’s in your Jeans.”
Husband: “Come on, Why do you have to Drag my family into this!”
Sometimes when my kids are following me around the grocery store, I walk in circles around things to test their loyalty.