Growing up was certainly the stupidest idea I had as a child.
You Might Also Like
FROM THE FIRST BITE YOU CAN TELL CELERY DOESN’T WANT TO BE EATEN
Men are like my peloton – I always think going for a ride is a good idea and then 5 mins in I’m sweating profusely and questioning everything
God: And then let’s send in murder hornets
Angel: Wait, murder hornets? So they can’t go outside?
God: Not a big deal, they’re all quarantined because of Coronavirus
Angel: What if they end up allowed to go back outside?
God: Did you not just hear about the murder hornets?
Accidentally put the Ouija board in the monopoly box so now whenever you land on free parking it summons a ninth level demon
white people writing latinos in fics: i kissed my ten brothers and sisters goodbye and stepped out of my pueblo on the way to school. i blast gasolina in my headphones as i walk past the mariachi band. sometimes it’s hard para me to creer because i olvidar a switch languages
Idea: “Celebrity Price Is Right” where Gwyneth Paltrow guesses that loaves of bread cost $460
*movie voice*in a world of untold despair one woman will alter fate by staring at a wall
The postman told me he was off to Spain tomorrow. I asked if he was going to Parcelona. He didn’t even smile
Be nice to Canadians, American tweeters. We’re going to need somewhere to go after this next election
I’m trying to find my niche, and my nechphew
Watched a nature documentary with my daughter and as the hungry polar bear approached the abandoned seal pup she said, “Oh, good, the polar bear is going to help her!” and sometimes I really wish I saw the world like a 12 y/o.
On tonight’s episode of regrettable parenting decisions, I gave my 3 yo slime and specifically told her not to put it in her hair. You can guess where the slime was ten minutes later.
Wife: Did you eat an ENTIRE half-gallon of ice cream?!?!
Me: It was getting freezer-burned.
W: I just bought it today!
Me: Crazy freezer.
Friend: You need help?
Me: I need to write a couple letters.
Friend: OK
Me: Not those.
The bills are washed, the dishes are paid, the laundry’s in the oven. I’m going to bed.
Imagine you’re fine, minding your own business and then someone offers you a 50$ gift card and you end up spending 400$
I was just about to go and remind my neighbour to slam all of his car doors as many times as possible in five minutes, but there’s no need.
Sometimes I have my shit together, sometimes I eat an unidentified white substance out of my hair and am grateful when it’s frosting.
I’m wondering how far I can go with this guy on Hinge who seemingly has no idea we went on multiple dates last year. The sex definitely won’t ring any bells but meeting my brother again might.
I’m assuming someone paid that frog to croak outside my window all night
@funTweeters Thanks so much she screams throwing glitter all over That is so cool!
My wife and I have our calendars synced to both of our phones.
I forgot I have a gynecologist appointment next Thursday.
Parents should get hazard pay for sleeping in the same bed with a toddler
My dad, a beekeeper, and my mum, an aviarist: we need to talk
Me: what about
[After first teeth cleaning since lockdown]
Okay. Weigh me now
Me having sex is like bungee jumping.
It’s either amazing, or someone gets seriously injured.
There is no in between.
I’m pregnant, during the holidays, during a never-ending pandemic. The next medical professional who makes me step on the scale better be prepared with some tissues and a sugar free lollipop to cheer me up.
I keep rearranging my home office just to throw off everyone on the work video calls.
‘I have a ripe avocado at home’ is my favorite excuse for cancelling plans
Fact: you spend an average of 3.7 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the ‘damn’ paprika