Me: I wouldn’t miss it for the world.
Friend: It was yesterday.
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[taking a walk with mom]
Me: *steps on a crack and hears a woman scream*
Mom: I guess now is the time to tell you that you’re adopted.
Oh, when sharks grow an extra set of teeth it’s “cool” and “neat but when I do it it’s “what’s happening to that man’s face mommy?” and “why is he slinking back into the sewer mommy?”
Jesus was the original child star who fell in with the wrong crowd and died young.
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
In my dreams last night, I met God. He gave me the manuscript for His novel to read, but I never read it, & I had to avoid Him in the town.
Me: With a name like that, your parents must hate you.
Myparentsdislikeme: Hate is a strong word.
If you’re wondering what that sound was, I just found a grey hair.
If there’s a movie about Elon, I want him to be played by Kathy Bates.
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
Hotel clerk: May I help you?
Me: Call an ambulance.
HC: What happened?
M: I’m not sure. Someone said calm down and I blacked out after that.
me: yay, i’m getting to bed on time!
my brain: let’s obsess over how you’ll protect your children if you’re at the beach during a tsunami
I don’t need WebMD to tell me what’s wrong with me, I have my mother.
My kid just ended a call with his teacher by saying “this call has been going on a bit too long bye” and honestly, goals.
Accidentally pronounced wifi as “wifey” and the hotel concierge said the password’s helping out around the house and being a good listener.
Since when is a sweater vest not business casual?
Work is telling me I can’t wear them anymore unless I have a shirt underneath.
dentist (who has studied mouths for years and has my mouth on display with perfect lighting, and is asking this question because she knows i haven’t been flossing): have you been flossing
me (slyly): yes
My favorite thing right now is calling air pods ‘air buds’ in front of my daughter and her friends.
A: Black coffee, no cream please.
B: Sadly, we don’t offer cream, sir. May I suggest no milk instead?
I just used one of those plastic grocery dividers to let my wife know exactly where the middle of the bed is.
“I need a woman like you in my life”
Aww thanks, I hope you find her lol
11 famous chickens who flew the coop, number 7 will surprise you
– cluckbait
Me: Cute baby, when was she born?
New mother: Yesterday.
Me: *opens coat filled with knock-off watches* Hey kid, I got Rolexes, 50 bucks.
“Said no one ever.” -Said everyone on Twitter.
Wanna see awkward?
Hand me a baby.
The entire world is the kid in the back seat asking are we there yet. Politicians are the parent saying “soooo close” and scientists are the honest parent.
I’m having stuff I ordered delivered to an Amazon hub for pickup, but I didn’t realize you have to give them your Amazon username. So, I’m going to have to walk in and say, “Picking up a package for Lamont Sanford’s Friend Rollo.”
The lid on our bottle of glitter is not childproof. I know this now.
Sharing a bed should be like boxing:
• meet in middle
• fist-bump
• put in mouthguards
• go to separate corners
• no touching until 1st bell
My 6 yr old just asked if I’m a happy wife.. her cover is blown I think she might be working for the other side
Just saw a crab walking in a straight line. It was shouting “I’m not drunk, you’re drunk” and it started a fight with a bin