Sir, the children at the petting zoo are unhappy. They think our animals are lame
*stares off into distance*
We’re gonna need a bigger goat
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Why is everyone worried about meteors instead of the possibility that Russia just got their own Superman?
People are managing their retirement funds and I’m over here planning to call in sick the day I die
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid**checks for abs, finds a clown
My kid’s wish list at age 6: An adorably misspelled handwritten request for toys
My kid’s wish list at age 14: A professionally designed slideshow with links to big-ticket items that ends with the phrase “open your hearts and your wallets”
I always carry a megaphone in my purse, in case I wander off and get lost at Costco.
The last time I checked, I was a weirdo.
Let me check again. Yep, still a weirdo.
Me: some mornings I see myself in the mirror and think what am I even getting ready for
Therapist: sorry, can you pull the toothbrush out of your beard
I’ve been wearing the same clothes for almost 7 years now because a girl wrote “never change” in my middle school year book.
I have this friend who doesn’t post anything on social media. He just lives his life.
I said, “how am I supposed to know what you’re up to?” he said, “ask me”
What a weirdo.
*Stays in interrogation room after being told I’m free to leave anytime*
-Y’all have excellent wifi here. Can I possibly get more coffee?
this is my favourite piece of literary criticism of all time
“When I said Legos, I meant Roblox, but don’t worry about it. Santa knows what I meant.”
My 4YO, on the evening of December 23rd.
*a meeting somewhere*
“Women seem to want pants with pockets.”
Great. Let’s sell ’em all the pockets we can.“Okay, but just to be clear *pants* with pockets.”
Yes yes, I hear you, Junior. They want pockets.“No, pants with—”
Wow it’s almost noon. Let’s hit the links.
The final exam for police service dogs to remain calm in front of a cat, Germany, 1987.
I am not mature enough for this many work emails to be going back and forth about an incoming hot load
You don’t scare me. You’re not my mom saying, “I’m gonna tell your father” after she found out I broke the TV.
Haters will say my strike wasn’t valid just because I bowled it with a rotisserie chicken.
WIFE: remember to pick him up at 5
ME: ok
[later]
ME: [dropping 3-year-old son off at daycare] see ya in 2 years, bud
My husband is out w/friends & I’m at home w/the kids. I’m going to sprinkle Legos under the covers on his side of the bed.
Yes, air conditioning, I’ll marry you. Yes! Yes! A thousand times, yes!
Him: This is the best sand castle I’ve ever built!
Her: We’re gonna die in this desert aren’t we?
It must be awkward being a cyclops called Iain.
*wife comes home*
“Did you fix the toilet?”
Yep!
[she opens door & is hit by avalanche of plums]
“You called the plummer again you idiot!!!”
Dance like you didn’t file your tax return.
I usually roll around in the magazine aisle at Barnes and Noble before a date because I want to smell nice, but I’m on a budget.
Doctor: congrats! Have you chosen a name yet?
Me: well i love Reese’s Pieces so
Doctor: Reese is a lovely name
Me: *holds baby up* meet Pieces
Sure, sex is great, but have you ever shoved a bunch of pots and pans in the cabinet and shut the door real quick for the next person to deal with?
5…! 4…! 3…! 2…! 1…! RENT IS DUE!!! 🎉🥳🎉
*night falls, the full moon rises*
ME: go, please! i don’t want you to see me…like…this
HIM: omg what’s happening
ME: *asleep by 10 pm*
I have literally never asked anyone where was the library in Spanish. What other lies did I learn in school?