Lady, you misunderstood. When I asked if you would have my kids I didn’t mean sex and babies. I meant take the ones I already have.
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HR: Alright people, let’s be a little more sensitive to Linda because she’s pregnant with child
Sally [who is pregnant with a hedgehog]: *sigh*
Bought a new exercise program
Instructions said to stop if I felt any discomfort
So I did
Back in my day a “selfie,” was something you did with the door locked and a bottle of lotion.
Stopped visiting friends because they have a child gate on the way to the upstairs bathroom I can’t figure out.
[Being kidnapped]
Me: i can feel it.. Stockholm syndrome
kidnapper: its been 10 minutes
me: should we invite your brother to the wedding?
Me & my mate are Scots. We were visiting England & got arrested for being drunk and disorderly. The English cops really believed our names (in Scottish accent) were Ben Doon and Phil McAvity. We were only rumbled when the Scottish desk sergeant at the station burst out laughing.
How many coworkers have to ask you “what’s that pee smell” before you admit you’re wearing a new cologne?
Is it four? Please say it’s four.
neighbor complimenting my jack-o-lantern: wow is that hand carved?
me: *wiggling my fingers* haha no it’s real.
They say to do something that scares you everyday so I hosted an outdoor birthday party with 12 kids under the age of 8 while wearing a white t-shirt.
writer: I’m so good at beginnings but never can finish strong
writers wife: *under her breath* ain’t that the truth
Joseph: 3 minutes BC
Mary: Aaarghhhhhh
Joseph: 2 minutes BC
Mary: STOP DOING THAAARGGHHH THE BABY’S COMING!
Joseph: 1 minute BC
Mary: JESUS CHRIST
Jurassic World is so unrealistic. Like a teenager would ever just drop his cell phone while being chased by a dinosaur.
Me: These eye makeup remover pads are amazing.
Mom: Those are medicated hemorrhoidal pads.
How is it that my kids can never find their own shoes but…
Easily find the one ice cream sandwich I hid behind the peas in the freezer.
An Italian engineer was kidnapped in Nigeria.
Demands were sent via email to his family, but they just got deleted as spam.
If you’ve ever wanted to take a tiny bag of poop on a tour of your neighbourhood, owning a dog might be right for you
*Dog puts cupcake on my nose and tells me to “stay”
I put my pants on just like the rest of you, when the popo tells me to.
Twitter taught me that:
1) Tweets don’t always have to make sense
2) People sure do love to answer rhetorical questions
DM from random dude: “Show me your bobs.”
Me: sends pics of my last 7 haircuts.
JESUS: Happy Father’s Day, Joe.
[hands over present]JOSEPH: Wow, thanks Jesus. I wonder what it-
[present is empty][Jesus and God hi-5]
My parties got a hundred times better when I realized if I didn’t invite anybody I could eat all the snacks.
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.😁
Yeah… My camera adds 30 pounds. But Photoshop takes it back off.
Idiom update: “the pot calling the kettle black” is now “the guy from Aerosmith accusing a dude of looking like a lady”
Me: the constitution says I have the right to assemble
Ikea clerk: you have to buy it first
IT’S SATURDAY & TONIGHT I’M PARTYING LIKE A ROCKSTAR!!!
*folds laundry*
*cleans litter box*
*makes friendship bracelet for karate instructor*
No Kevin, a carburetor is not someone who ate a lot of carbs.
I always assume people with red cars were drunk when they went to the dealership.