“There’s someone out there for everyone”.
A really vague Receptionist.
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Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy, and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
I’ve never used the word culvert in a sentence. Well, until now.
Waking up in my 20s: shoot I have a pimple
Waking up in my 30s: shoot I have unresolved trauma in my lower back
Every marriage has one person who throws things out, and a garbage-loving chaos goblin who says “But I was saving that!”
My husband has forbidden me to go to Costco when I’m hungry. I don’t understand. How hard is it to eat 47 rotisserie chickens?
If I don’t wake up with Britney Spears’ body circa “I’m a Slave 4 U” and a rich handsome boyfriend then I KNOW Santa’s not real.
Kid comedians are all like “any of y’all ever had parents? Shew God, let me tell y’all about parents”
Waiter: “I’m afraid your credit card has been declined.”
Me: “Try this one.”
W: “This is a blood donor card.”
M: “Take as much as you need.”
A headline said the economy is showing signs of unexpected vigor so i’ll have what the economy is having please.
when you see warnings on the 3D glasses from the movies that says “do not use to view eclipse” that’s because of me
My 9-month-old ate part of her sister’s math worksheet and now we’re waiting to see if she passes algebra.
[5 mins after being stranded on an island with a group of people]
Me: who do we eat first
Friend: Do you know karate?
Me: [wanting to sound cool but not overly cocky] I’ve heard of him.
CAT LAWYER: [pushes defense team off the table]
Went to see a psychic without an appointment and he wasn’t expecting me ?
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
Honey I Shrunk the Kids IV:
They shrink everyone on earth on purpose
The planet will never run out of resources
Everyone is eaten by ants
Liam Neeson: What I do have are a very particular set of skills.
Me if I were the kidnapper: *is.
“ANYWAY” — me when I’m about to keep talking about the thing I’ve been talking about for the last ten minutes
Brain cell 1: say have a nice day
Brain cell 2: nah say have a good oneMouth: Haven gice done
I told someone that I’d be happy to set up a meeting with them at their convenience and they scheduled it for 4 o’clock on a Friday so I reported them to HR
I’m at my most Disney Princess when I fight with my stepfamily before drunkenly losing my shoe at a party.
This is the one week you can throw a charred corpse in the garbage without people asking a lot of questions.
cat guru: ask yourself – what is the sound of a hairless cat coughing up a hairball
“I can’t lie to you”
You suck at lying, don’t blame that shit on me
“Londoners need to be more afraid”
Nah, we’re British, we only panic about a light snow or finding out we’re out of milk.
friend: i have no idea how some people have 3 kids
me: they have sex 3 times
me: thanks for the feedback. Really valuable!!!
coworker: no problem!
[coworker gets text at 3am] who teh fucgk do u thgink u r
[trying to make a new friend]
…so that’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, now you go
72% of dog ownership is asking “what’s in your mouth” and expecting a response