So many people say “if my memory serves me correctly” and I’m actually quite shocked at the amount of servants named Memory…….
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[first day as a dentist] *encounters tongue* huh. this isn’t teeth
the statue of liberty was a trojan horse thing but it was too hard to break out of and it’s full of skeletons now
[At party]
Wife: Don’t pretend you’re deaf again, so you don’t have to talk to people
Me [in sign language]: What?
[feudal japan]
ME: we are disgraced! we must commit sudokuOTHER SAMURAI: *disemboweling himself* it’s called seppuku
ME: *sharpening pencil* you do you buddy
If my boss knew I rated him “needs improvement” in last night’s sex dream, he probably wouldn’t have been so nice to me today.
Me: yeah so I think that Mario didn’t even care about saving the princess, he just really hated turtles
Game theory professor: w- what
It’s my birthday!
This loopy thing is my gift to you 🎈
Hand sanitizer either smells like springtime and freshness or an alcoholic bus driver who will beat your germs to death with the power of his rum breath.
People say “life’s a journey, not a destination,” because the destination is death. The journey sucks too. Anyway, to the bride and groom!
Sometimes when I get a retweet… I blow on my phone, twirl it and slide it into my belt holster, then ride off into the sunset like a dork.
Why is judge the only job where you can bang a little hammer to make people shut up I’ve needed that in literally every job I’ve had
[2054: We develop cheap cloning technology]
[2055: Restaurant opens where you can have clones of yourself serve cooked clones of yourself]
I’m on a diet and a nice thing about it is that, when I’m eating less, my mind is so much clearer and I can see that all that really matters is food
[on first date]
I’ll have an iced tea, please.
Waiter: Sure. Ummm…anything for the balloon with a woman’s face drawn on it?
“Bad actors” is a wild term because it could mean when the government is doing war crimes but it could also just mean Jared Leto
I saw a man getting ready to fight someone and he took out his airpods and gave them to his friends like they were hoops
[church fundraiser]
me: *takes out a $100*
priest: *eyes wide* bless you my child
me: aww thank you! do you have $99.50 in change?
My kid asking me to put on some terrible youtube channel
The temperature went from 90 to 55 like it saw a state trooper
[in the park]
ME: aww look a baby
WIFE: is it on me?!
ME: um no it’s in a stroll-
WIFE: *swatting herself* I FEEL LIKE IT’S ON ME
If you tase an electrician, he only becomes more powerful.
The older I get, the less judgy I am of Norman Bates spending his life with a dead lady in a chair
18: I’m going to ask the stylist what color screams parental issues.
Me: …
Tinder is also down!!!! I have gotten zero matches for the past three years!!! Hope the outage ends soon!!!
Give a man a fish and he’ll go to McDonald’s instead.
Teach a man to fish and nope, still McDonald’s
8-year-old: Are you making pizza for dinner?
Me: No.
8: Can you check again?
*wonders if any of my friends snorted tide when I was a teen since we didn’t have tide pods*
LAWYER: ur dad’s estate—
ME: who called it executing a will instead of splittin heirs
L: he said if u made a dumb joke u get nothing
M: shit
I hope the bomber suspect is made of green screen so we can all project our most feared skin color onto him.