Your honor I didn’t teach myself the ukulele for fun I did it to defend myself in court today through song
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can u believe that 6 months ago we just let random people breathe on us
I pronounce both Es in Ethan Hawke.
her: did you wrestle in high school?
me: do my emotions count?
Monopoly banker (inspecting check): Um, I’m gonna have to call the manager.
Giant metal shoe: I’ve been doing business here FOR 20 YEARS.
[First date] You didn’t google the menu before you came to the restaurant? This isn’t going to work.
To the driver of the truck with the ENVYME vanity plate who took up two spaces and left me nowhere to park: Why would I envy someone with four freshly deflated tires?
Who named it “push-up bra” instead of “abracadabra” ??
We shouldn’t send our trash into space, that’s how you get space raccoons
i like to flex on them by shrugging
god I hope there’s no such thing as reincarnation I’m way too tired to do this again
Jesus: hey cheer up it’s nearly FriYAY!
judas: actually know what, I’m good now
*hands out free hug coupons in the mosh pit*
“Wow, that’s great!”
~ Me, not paying attention, and hoping you didn’t just tell me your Grandma died.
Me: *about to go into a meeting*
My anxiety: you pronounce “template” weird
Her: You’re all sweaty. Where have you been?
*Flash back to an hour long struggle of me trying to separate 2 shopping carts*
Me: The gym.
BREAKING NEWS
Literally to be eliminated from the English language in 2015
Use it while you can, white girls
My cat likes to eat treats off the windowsill, and my dog likes to sit below it and gobble up any treats that he drops.
Trickle down treatonomics.
Finally found a house! We couldn’t afford it and it wasn’t for sale, but we just murdered the owners and took it anyway. Happy Columbus Day!
My kid told me people go bald because they stop watering their hair
Me: well someone woke up in a fowl mood
Turkey: *getting dressed* please lose my number
I’m sorry I lied, but in my defense, telling the truth would have had consequences and I hate those.
*the doctor looks up at me after reviewing my blood test for several minutes*
are you sure you’re not a donut?
I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out my patient, though
That’s fair
At least my meth head neighbor mows his lawn. It’s at 4 am and he’s naked, but still
*Tries to get makeup off*
Makeup: I have a boyfriend.
As you get older dating becomes a lot like Musical Chairs. The music stops, everyone sits down and you’re left with the last idiot standing.
[grocery store]
dad to his crying baby: shhh stop crying
[baby keeps crying]
me: wow, your baby does not listen
me: please go clean your room
5: mom don’t yuck on my yums
me: who taught you that?
5: my teacher
me: …how do you feel about being a kindergarten dropout?
I’m at my most athletic when I’m running up stadium stairs to buy another beer.