Has anyone ever had a polite awakening?
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You’re how old?
*does quick math in head*
Ok! I’m not old enough to be your mom …lets do this!
-justifying a bad decision with math
How the button came off my shirt.
A thread.
Ghost: they can’t kill us
Wife: that’s what u said last time
Wow, your teeth are white.
Thanks. I’m just curious, what color were you expecting?
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I work with animals
Me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* Your job sounds fun
I quit my job after my boss started paying me in vegetables.
I couldn’t live off of that celery.
Standing outside your window holding an economy-size bottle of ibuprofen above my head.
[prison]
PRISONER: what’s for breakfast
GUARD: every meal is bread & water
PRISONER: [is a duck] oh baby
Why proof read your tweets when you have plenty of people who’ll do it for free
I swear I am going to sit in the parking lot and slam a bag of beef jerky before my dental hygienist appointment.
Make her earn every dollar of that teeth cleaning.
Autocorrect can suck a bag of docks
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
Make a dating service for introverts and call it Mumble
Lady next to me in 50 Shades pulled out her glasses & asked if she missed the good part. I said no, the credits weren’t rolling yet.
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
I would organize my thoughts but I’m afraid they would form a union and demand benefits.
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don’t come to work 🙁
Just saw the first robin of the year so you know what that means. Batman can’t be far behind.
[dentist chair]
how’s school?
*I start talking, dentist notices his hand isn’t in my mouth*
oh sorry
*puts hand in my mouth*
how’s school?
If you think your microwave collecting data and the TV spying on you is bad enough…
The vaccum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.
[cashier slapping the Cool Ranch chips out of my hand]: Oh no you don’t, nerd
Surprised to hear five people were shot at a Chris Brown show, most notably because why were there that many people at a Chris Brown show?
Probably the slowest way to die is sloth with a knife.
We’ve got some ground rules in this house bro. if there’s a sock on the doorknob it means im trippin balls and think the door is a big foot
Black Friday through the years:
2005: 5am
2010: 3am
2012: 12am
2013: Thursday 8pm
2014: Thursday
2020: 4th of July
If you excel at something, people love it until they don’t. But you won’t know when that will be until after you take out a mortgage.
ME: my wife and i are having a baby!
FRIEND: wow, that’s amazing! congratulations! sex?
ME: yes, that’s how we made the baby…
The phrase “it’s ok if they never make Shrek 5” is such a weak mindset. You are ok with no Fergus, no Farkle, no Felicia. When you stop getting angry after no news, you’ve lost twice.
There’s always more onions, and always room for more swamps, it’s never ogre.
Hotdogs contain nitrates that literally shave time off your life. Do you need any more proof that they are the ideal food
Me: You can’t fire me!
My circus boss: Just get in the cannon