Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across America join together to raise the country’s obesity statistics.
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me: let’s get some gorilla glue
horse: oh thank god
Onion rings.
What sounds do other vegetables make?
Can you guys make me famous? I’m tired of being a meaningful contributor to society.
“We’re all in this together” used to sound comforting — until I realized it means I’m relying on a lot of stupid Americans to stay alive.
I will never stop laughing at this
Still disappointed that the only hard thing in my bed lately has been my mattress.
hey boy 😉 is that a gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see m- oh, it is a gu- yes i will open the cash register
Superman: this is my dog Krypto, he has all the same powers as me
Louis Lane: even x-ray vision?
[Krypto stares intently at Lois]
Superman: oh god he sees your bones run
[Interview room]
Me: I’m not saying a word without my lawyer presentCop: You ARE the lawyer
Me: So where’s my present?!
I don’t like being asked “are you at home?” Please expand further so I can know whether I’m at home or not.
I feel the older I get the more I understand why deer run in front of cars.
Friend: just be yourself.
Me: Be myself? Be myself?!
Some of the most successful people I know aren’t myself. That’s horrible advice
Covid like
me: [having a normal conversation but also wondering if bees consider us thieves or business associates]
Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: “Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?”
My life these days is basically the “before” segment of an infomercial for a revolutionary new mop.
Say what you will about Elon’s management style, but before he took over all you guys posted was “ugh another day on this hell site” and now you’re all like “ah twitter the extraordinary place where I met all my best friends, started my career, had sex for the first time”
Ok 1st off, who exactly is “we” in “we have to go on a diet”, and more importantly, why is there salad on the plate where my food should be.
girl on bumble: hey 🙂 ur cute but I noticed you didn’t include your height
me: yeah no need to add too much info!
girl: ok but how tall are you?
me: *struggling to type as I climb into my high chair* i don’t see why this is important
Welcome to parenthood. Bring spare clothing everywhere you go. For the baby, for you, for your spouse, for the cashier at the grocery store, for the person sitting next to you on the plane…
“i am trapped in a loveless marriage help me obi-wan you’re my only hope” “use divorce, luke”
The instructions for this tent is just a picture of a husband yelling at his wife, that’s weird.
Finally, I can just walk around every day covered in feathers.
Salt and pepper shakers add an air of mystique to any bathroom
boss: we’re starting to think you don’t really value this job anymore
me: [wearing bathrobe] not sure what u mean
I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….
…..I just love smell of campfires.
I thought 2020 was just going to be a bunch of bad eyesight jokes but no it’s much worse
Boxing is like a dance, a dance where you punch your dance partner until he doesn’t want to dance anymore.
“My god…we’re monsters,” I murmured to a local monster, who nodded sympathetically
Hey, let’s eat outside tonight so the flies can eat our food while the mosquitos eat us, & the kids eat nothing because they hate burgers today.