Incorporate the word ‘verily’ into casual conversations so they don’t know what century you’re from
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*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
Bicyclists, it’s one thing to hog the road, but it’s quite another to expect us to know your fancy hand signals. Also, I can see your balls.
[job interview]
“So what would you say is your biggest weakness?”
“I’m pretty bad at reading situations.” *tries to kiss interviewer*
PHARAOH: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: should we leave them a note to explain how we did it?
PHARAOH: yes, take this down
SUBJECT: ok
PHARAOH: cat, dog, snake, bird, cat, man with the head of a cat, dog, cat, bird
Air conditioning – not a fan
When someone under 130 lbs calls themselves fat we should legally be allowed to eat them
I have a friend who doesn’t drink coffee, so to stay alert at work he gets a healthy amount of sleep each night. What a loser
Death hack: bury your loved ones with their fitness trackers for a low-cost early zombie alert system.
Brain: You’ve got ONE shot at this.
Me: Ready.
Brain: Go talk to her.“YOUR HAIR IS THE COLOR OF HONEY CAN I TASTE IT?!?”
Brain: Magical!
Every wedding video you’ve ever seen
I am always reminded of how much I am needed as a mother and wife the exact second I sit down on the toilet.
Even when I change my mind, it still doesn’t work any better.😁
GPS: We have arrived at the bank.
Me: Okay, great.
GPS: There are no cops within eight minutes of the bank.
Me: …What?
GPS: It takes three minutes to write a note and get to the front of the line.
Me: I’m not going to rob —
GPS: *Sigh* Fine. We never do anything fun
[party]
ME: You’re out of shrimp.
HOST: That was fast. I’ll get more.
BF: Where are your manners?
ME: Under the heap of shrimp in my purse.
When will all of this hoarding stop? I nearly broke down today when I couldn’t find any beluga caviar, Wagyu beef, or gold shavings for my fresh ice cream.
I was really upset today but then a friend said “don’t be upset” so now I’m not upset anymore
Man buns are just the beginning, next thing you know it’ll be ok for men to have anything on their heads, like a goat or a small child
ME: you know what they say, curiosity killed the cat
CAT: that’s awful why would they say that?
ME: really?
CAT: *dies*
Ponytail so tight, I no longer have forehead wrinkles.
me: *filling up my car with gas*
guy next to me: the gas is supposed to go in the tank
me, pulling the pump out of the window: i don’t own a tank i only have this car
Me: Sorry, I can’t tonight. I already made plans.
Him: That’s too bad. There’s going to be open bar and–
Me: What time should I be there?
Yet another unrealistic beauty standard smh
*carefully examining the markings on a reticulated python as it squeezes me to death* just as I suspected. this is definitely a snake
I hate handshakes. The bones really mess up the blender and the knuckles are hard to swallow.
I’m not superstitious because it brings bad luck.
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
Me: So I don’t get to pet animals until my sadness is cured?
Nail Technician: No ma’am. A “pedicure” is a treatment for your toenails and feet.
M:
NT:
M:
NT: Please don’t cry.
not me looking down to google “why is my dog staring at me” only to look back up and see my dog barfing on the carpet 😑😑😑😑😑
At least chocolate chip cookies don’t look like brains. I’m talking about you, cauliflower.