ME: Hey bro you got toilet paper?
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Yeah [slides me toilet paper]
ME: No I don’t need any I’m just checking.
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Why?
ME: Because I care.
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Smells like a challenge to me
I know for a fact that the devil exists because I have to pee real bad every time I finish chopping a jalapeño
My son’s blood type is parmesan.
I’ve diversified my investment portfolio by purchasing multiple properties*
*Barbie Dream House, Peppa Pig House, Gabby’s Dollhouse, Polly Pocket house
Someone asked if I had fun weekend plans and without hesitation I said “Costco”
I have a kidney to donate. It’s not mine, so I don’t know much about it.
her: i’m going to a concert
me: to see who
her: Bad English
me: sorry, to see whom
[SEXTING]
ME: tell me what you likeHER: I really get off on exhibitionism
ME: OK, cool, weird that museums turn you on but cool
Police: Pull over and stop!
Me: [on moped]What’s the problem?
Police: You’re not wearing the proper reflective equipment! We’re taking you in!
Me: [wearing reflector vest, blaze orange parachute pants, coal miners hat, Michael Jacksons left glove] I CAN SEE MY HOUSE FROM HERE!
I found a flea on my dog and sprayed him down with a homemade vinegar solution and now I know what pickled dog smells like.
Interviewer: what makes you stand out?
Harry Potter: i’m a Wizard.
Interviewer: *scratching head* everyone here is tho, why are you the best?
Harry Potter: My mom like, REALLY loved me.
You say pervert with a telescope. I say biological astronomer.
*guy struggling to pick his teeth with a toothpick*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there were a better way?-commercial for business cards
I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for female T-Rex because the tampon insertion must’ve been really difficult.
As I was lovingly tucking in my 5yo, I told her I loved her and she responded with, “You’ve been a great mommy….so far.”
just saw Gravity. excuse me while I go hug the earth.
A student brought me 20 huge homemade chocolate chip cookies today. Good thing I have self-control–I saved one for my kids. To split.
I hate when the dentist is like “go rinse”… Nah bro. This is all you today. figure it out
“How would you describe yourself.”
Me – I absolutely would not.
Liquidity is the only difference between soup, stew and a casserole. There, I said it.
Just witnessed a home depot walk of shame (guy taking his purchase back in because it wouldn’t fit in his car)
My sneeze is the reason people in the middle ages believed sneezing was caused by demon possession
I wonder how many baptisms by fire were performed before someone switched to water.
Call me crazy, but the last person who did is still in a full body cast, so it’s up to you.
My daughter just told me she likes a boy, so I sent him 12 pictures of my gun collection…being a dad is awesome.
10: Ugh! I have a math quiz tomorrow
Me: I’ll help you. I’ll be your teacher today!
10: Omg! Why are you making this worse?!
I never met a problem I couldn’t make worse
[Super Villain Team Tryouts]
COACH: Tell me what you can do
MAGNETO: I can manipulate metal
LOKI: I’m a god
THE PENGUIN (shoving his way to the front): I LIKE PENGUINS!
I can’t sleep because I’m worried I’m not gonna get enough sleep because I should already be sleeping.
ADVERSARY: I’ll beat you at your own game
ME: so crying is competitive now?!