[in the park]
ME: aww look a baby
WIFE: is it on me?!
ME: um no it’s in a stroll-
WIFE: *swatting herself* I FEEL LIKE IT’S ON ME
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SIRI, CALL FOR HELP! Searching for kelp. OMGYOU IDIOT! SIRI, GET AN AMBULANCE! There are 23 listings for lap dance in your area.
You guys realize “business up front, party in the back” is only about mullets, right?
DR: So, you’re 36 years old, 4 foot tall & sound like a woman. How can I help you today, Mr Simpson?
BART: I don’t know where my hair starts
I turned off the TV today and made my kids play board games like it was 1955 and now I know why all of our grandparents were alcoholics
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
The best place to get pumpkins cheap is driving around the neighborhood at 4AM. Got 5 nice ones this morning.
How are the neighbors supposed to free load off your WiFi if the signal barely makes it to the living room.
I see dead people.
No wait, I take that back.
I see people I want dead.
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Alexa: I’ve found one zoo near you with monkeys.
DTF (Down time finally)
-mom’s everywhere
Roommate: hey blake I just bought this whiskey wanna explain why it’s half empty?
Me: cause you’re a pessimist!
When I was in court I heard a Magistrate singing some Ed Sheeran, so I hired him for my Wedding.
But at the ceremony he did his own material and was terrible.
Which goes to show, you should never Book a Judge by his Covers.
I thought I saw a spider on the floor…Turns out it was a paper clip.
It’s dead now.
No need to panic.
How excited are you, on a scale from 1 to white woman who just found out that this dinner party has sangria?
If you commit a crime be sure to wear running clothes, so if you need to flee the scene cops will just think “Look at that healthy jogger”
Wife: Rock the baby.
Me: *plugs in amp*
When I was in high school we had to do an assignment where we kept a food diary and I worked at Baskin Robbins so one night for dinner all I wrote down was 14 waffle cones and 1/2 cup hot fudge and my teacher sent me to the counselor.
Just been to see Benny from maintenance in hospital. He was putting up one of those boards that tell you have many days since the last accident and it fell on him.
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
being an adult is just complaining how tired you are and then staying up till 3am reading r/aita
Home Depot is having their “ultimate tool event” in case anyone wants to buy my cousin Tyler.
I can’t wait to jump on my kids’ beds at 5am on Mother’s Day, and holler “WHAT DID YOU GET ME?!?”
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
I almost wish the guy I’m stalking would find me and call the cops. These bushes are scratchy and my legs are cramping.
If I had a cool name like AL Gore, I would make horror films.
Seeing a lot of people questioning how a bridge that big can collapse that quickly, so as someone with an engineering degree, I’ll try to break it down from a technical perspective:
Bridges aren’t designed to withstand a giant ship crashing into them. Hope that helps!
STOP FLIRTING WITH YOUR UNCLE AT YOUR WEDDING WITH YOUR COUSIN #HouseOfTheDragon
And then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like – Never just be yourself. There’s something wrong with you.
[Entire house is full of trees]
Girlfriend: What did you do?!
Me: You told me to spruce things up.
GF: Everything’s stuck to everything!!!