*decides towels smell like mildew
*buys special laundry agent to remove odors
*washes load of towels
*forgets load in washer until morning
*repeat
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A macaron is just an oreo that studied abroad.
Butterflies have 1,200 eyes. That means they spend 7 months taking out their contacts every night.
It’s almost September so here’s a list of all the fun things I’ve done this Summer:
1-
2-
3-
4-
5- sweat
I’m convinced that my soulmate is pizza
don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry
– me taking a joke
I live in the U.S. so my doctor is booked until April 2023 but five local morticians are available to see me today.
My Halloween costume this year is a red cape and a witches broom – I’m gonna be little red riding wood.
People who say gays are destroying the fabric of society have obviously never seen what a gay man can do with fabric.
On the upside, my kids are helping with the dishes. On the downside, my kids are helping with the dishes.
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog
If you’re drunk when you die, are you drunk forever…?
Writing “Omg you guys are still friends after what she said about you???” on every group photo of girls I see on Instagram
@_NTFG_’s account is temporarily unavailable because it violates the Twitter Media Policy. Learn more.
Excuse me, the movie Inception, you’re gonna tell me you had like 10 people jumping between levels of everyone’s subconscious and yet there were ZERO sex dreams? Uhhhh that’s a damn plothole my guy!!!!
Showering is the worst. You mean I’ve gotta clean this body AGAIN? Has it been rolling in the mud? No. It’s been checking emails and watching Netflix. It is now unpresentably filthy. Stand in this loud wet box and confront your mortal vessel. You can’t even play a phone game.
When someone under 130 lbs calls themselves fat we should legally be allowed to eat them
Dad: No wonder your Twitter account wasn’t hacked
Me: You weren’t worried?
Dad: Not at all, you’re not nearly interesting enough for the hackers
me: [dancing in a well lit area]
Bruce Springsteen: absolutely not
Me: I’m meal planning. Is candy corn allowed on keto?
Keto: Please leave our cult.
*applies conditioner to my to-do list to make it more manageable*
When I grow up, I want to be 16
I just saw a guy with the Monster energy logo tattooed on his neck, so if your village is missing their idiot, we have him.
I’m currently in between meals and not very happy about it
NEIGHBOR: That’s the best haunted house I’ve seen. Terrifying Halloween decorations!
ME: [scattering body parts in the yard] Halloween?
my fitness device congratulated me on “playing ice hockey” and told me i burned 300 calories over the past 20 minutes.
i was eating a Wendy’s baconator.
Just opened the freezer and the vodka literally rolled out into my hands, no way I could ignore this sign from god.
We covered ‘stop, drop, and roll’ often enough in school that I thought I would’ve caught fire at least once by now.
I believe that growing up watching Porky Pig cartoons have contributed to my lack of pants.