ME: *holding my crying newborn son* There. There. I ALSO find myself very upsetting.
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If you stand too close to me in the check out line, you may as well pay for my stuff while you’re breathing down my neck.
You’re telling me Adam DRIVER and Penelope CRUZ (cruise) are in a movie called Ferrari ???????????
What does it mean when you sit next to an elderly woman on the bus and she shakes her head and makes the sign of the cross?
I wonder how many of these NSA agents have a crush on me.
My wife: Tell me your wildest fantasy.
Me: Clamping my dentist’s tongue with forceps and shining a bright light in his eyes while I ask him about his ski vacation.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *buffing a shark* dolphin
I opened the dishwasher and it’s full of clean dishes and I’m scared my wife is going to know that I know.
I wonder if Houdini ever locked himself out of the house.
Do we have a gender neutral pronoun yet?
prisoner: “i broke a guy’s face in 18 places, what you in for?”
[flashback to me stealing a duck from the pond]
me: “9/11”
(it starts to rain)
worms: the revolution has begun.
If you look in the mirror & say “pumpkin spice latte” 3x a white suburban girl will appear & tell you everything she loves about the fall
Sex at my age is like cooking spaghetti noodles;
At first, it doesn’t seem like much, but any more, and you’re in over your head.
Conversational tip: For every minute that you spend talking about yourself, set aside 10 seconds for the other person to say something; give them time to give you a compliment.
Any party is an ugly sweater party if you’re ugly and you sweat a lot
Nothing in this life is certain, except death and taxes.
And stepping in water if you’re wearing socks.
I made some Disney valentines. Please enjoy and share.
4 out of 5 dentists agree: kill a lion.
You know what this healthy salad needs? Stale bread
– the inventor of croutons
European out-of-offices: “I’m away camping for the summer. Email again in September”
American out-of-offices: “I have left the office for two hours to undergo kidney surgery but you can reach me on my cell anytime”
passion fruit: i had a wild date last night, what did you do?
jackfruit: oh nothing
wife: ugh the baby’s been crying for hours, can you take over?
me: sure *starts crying for hours*
Agent: I have a script for you.
Daniel Radcliffe: Is it weird?
Agent: Yes.
Radcliffe: I’ll do it.
For once I’d like to get kicked INTO a bar
MAGICIAN: Now the woman is in the box, I will saw her in half!
EVERYONE: *gasps*
ME *whispers to wife* ok you were right, a magician at a funeral is weird
One time I brought my kids to work with me and now my boss is way more tolerant of my drinking.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
This day in history. 1950. The FBI put out its first 10 Most Wanted list and my dad lost a bet because only 2 of the guys were his brothers.
The year is 1981. Everybody’s working for the weekend.
2044: the weekend becomes sentient.
2048: Everybody’s working for the weekend.
Hey, remember that terrible date who forgot their wallet and then ghosted you?
Well, LinkedIn thinks you should add this person to your network.