*deletes fb account*
*leaves social media*
*goes to Himalayas*
*pigeon comes with a note*
*opens note*
*candy crush request*
*dies*
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When the vet gives my cat a pill vs when I give my cat a pill.
I’m gonna wait for my aunt to finish her coffee before I tell her I kinda backed into her car just a little this morning. Seems like the right thing to do.
Geez ONE crystal champagne glass gets broken and I’m not allowed to use them in the cat obstacle course anymore
My son was telling me about a math test that he bombed & said that 70% of the class bombed it, too. My response:
“You just failed a math test. I’m pretty sure that percentage is wrong, too.”
One of my buddies is so healthy, wealthy, and wise… I wonder what his secret is? I want to ask him but he always goes to bed so early
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy watching him clean his golf clubs with the wire brush I use for my suede boots.
If you send me a voice note exceeding 20 seconds, I will consider it a podcast and not listen to it.
Govt: How many dependents do you have?
Me: 7
Dependents: [dogs in baby clothes]
WIFE: This is dumb.
DAUGHTER: This is so stupid.
ME: This is getting out of hand!
THIS: [leaping out of my palm] I HATE YOU GUYS I’M LEAVING
Who called it a knock off designer watch and not a Fauxlex
To the twenty something year old girls who think forty something year old women are jealous of them- enjoy your next 240 periods!
You know it’s a BBQ type holiday weekend when there are a thousand people in the spice aisle at the grocery store just staring at the spices
What if ants aren’t insects at all but are vehicles that even smaller insects drive to work?
“Why don’t you cool it on the dressmaking,” I suggested to my wife. “You seamstressed.”
what if our teeth screamed obscenities at us every time we brushed them?
My browser asks “are you sure?” when I clear my history as if theres anyone more sure of what theyre doing than someone clearing his history
[police show picture of my dead body at bottom of stairs to wife]
“Why no pants on?”
We think he tried to jump into his pants & fell
15 wants his new GF over for dinner Sunday. I’m going to make spaghetti & watch them try to eat it gracefully. Free entertainment!
I just got the lawnmower out and just like magic my sons disappeared
I’ve seen enough episodes of Dateline to know never to stand near a cliff while letting Hubs take my picture.
ME: [inflating second “E” balloon]
WIFE: Are you sure you know how to spell happy birthday?
[2 Humans who definitely aren’t lizard people at Denny’s]
1: I sure am glad they don’t have newt brain on the menu
2: Right on, fellow human
On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.
If you’re telling a story to a group and are interrupted and then no one asks you to continue, ruin their party by drowning in the pool.
Me [being murdered in my home]:
“Can you take your shoes off?”
There is nothing in the world that lowers your IQ faster than trying to use someone else’s coffee machine.
“Have u seen my cat?”
“I saw a cat down the road?”
“Really? [shows me a picture] was it this cat?”
“No, the one I saw was dead.”
When people shorten words for no reason it makes me want to commit murds.
In the 80s they used an egg in a frying pan to demonstrate a brain on drugs only because they didn’t have Twitter in the 80s
I accidentally bought organic milk instead of regular and now my family is so broke we are forced to live in a shack and make clothes out of recycled hair.