blocked.
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If anyone wants a tiger let me know. I bought one but he’s being a d-bag and won’t wear the matching sunglasses I bought us.
Bruce Willis calls the cops to report the pug that’s been chasing him. The line is silent except for soft panting. the operator barks
*punch*
Oh golly I’m sorry
-No, no, you’re quite alright. Go ahead
No, it’s your turn
*punch*
Thank you
-I’m terribly sorryCanadian boxing
My favorite part of The Nun Is when the priest goes “You’re gonna need a bigger nun.”
[5 min into first date]
Her: I have a pug named Piglet-
Me: [motioning waiter for check] I’d like to go meet him rn
“YOLF!”
– immortals, probably
Me: *Living in the US for 18 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
I’m no heart surgeon but I have the most steady hand when scrolling through an ex’s Facebook page.
Cheer up! Your biggest mistake is probably still ahead of you.
Remember when the internet didn’t exist and we kept all this stupidness in our heads?
Good times.
when I was 15 I wore bath and body works pear spray and this guy I met at a retreat badgered me about what the scent was b/c it smelled like his girlfriend & she claimed that “some of us just smell that way” so I told him yeah some of us do. I hope wherever she is now she’s good
Can scientists please stop calculating pi to a million decimal places and instead get working on an instant hangover cure.
OEDIPUS: hi do u have any anniversary/Mother’s Day cards?
CARD STORE CLERK: dude wtf
me: my cup runneth over…
sperm bank receptionist: please take that off the counter.
I bet dogs at parties get tired of being singled out by socially awkward humans.
I keep checking my bank account like a hungry person checking an empty refrigerator. Neither one is going to magically be full.
I clean my car less for me and more for any potential valet encounters
<enter password>
ikilledaman
<password must contain a number>
*7 hours later*
ikilled2men
My husband & I finally have an afternoon away from the kids. And then our son texts the family group chat:
“So do we have super glue?”
As the pair of scissors steps up to the starting line, the other runners quickly realize that this race just got a whole lot more dangerous.
When you’s said addicted to apple products, my mind was thinking shampoo and conditioner not electronics.
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”
After my ex and I broke up, I was in a really bad place (Florida)
I’m 50. If you say you want to be friends with benefits, you better damn well mean full medical and dental with a low deductible
Got Fired by the Zoo for Teaching all the Sloths Tai Chi
Urgency is realizing you had Taco Bell last night and you are on the interstate, next exit is 75 miles away…
Neighbour: I see your wife took the garbage out last night
Me: It’s called date night and we had a nice time
My new pajamas have no pockets. I don’t want to hear your problems.
Kids are fun. For example my daughter overflowed the toilet once and now she has a toilet flushing phobia.
The Joker was right