What genius called it a ‘bar’ and not an ‘alcohall’?
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“How many people have you slept with?”
– Someone who wants to hear a lie
[me as a magician]
ME: *pulls rabbit from hat*
AUDIENCE: ooohhh!
ME: *pulls knife from hat*
AUDIENCE: OOOHHH!!!
ME: *pulls sautée pan from hat*
AUDIENCE: NNOOOOOO
Oh I have Christmas spirit. The question is do I mix it with coke or do I drink it neat
Allen: I’ll never talk
Me: *selecting an allen key from my torture tools* we’ll see about that
*bitten by radioactive penguin
*gains ability to not fly
I embrace aging gracefully
And bitterly
With good humor
And rage
Couldn’t find my credit card while in line at the market.
*panic sets in.
Then I remember…yesterday I gave it to my daughter to pick up take-out….So she still has it.
*extreme panic sets in
Brenda from work unfollowed me on here so now I have to follow her around the office all day reading my tweets like a news broadcaster
Yoga was invented in 1301 when a Buddhist monk fell down a big hill slowly.
I neither like nor want to date Taylor Swift, but I know at some point it’ll just be my turn.
the main reason men’s shirts have those little breast pockets is just in case their gf becomes a worm
came out to my parents (!) and my dad was like, oh that’s nice! i thought you were going to ask for money!
“HEY NANCY, HAVE YOU SEEN MY SOCKS?”
I’m following around cop cars all day to let them know how it feels.
Vegans with children named ‘Hunter’ are why I lie awake at night.
No, he would not have.
I’m getting concerned that Beyonce never told those single ladies to put their hands down and now there’s a bunch of unfed cats out there.
2011: The world’s gonna end next year…like probably….bc of something w the Mayans
People: *freaking out*
2019: There is SCIENTIFIC PROOF that Global Warming is rapidly destroying life as we know it, and we need change, fast.
People: lol ok
Are any of my friends mechanics? Been having a weird car trouble when driving into work; my car just drives past my workplace and drives straight to the beach instead.
My husband just yelled, “WE DONT GOAT SCREAM IN THE HOUSE!” In case you’re wondering how quarantine is going.
I hate it when I’m on twitter & there isn’t a car behind me to honk when the light is green.
She:Hey,Whats up?
Me:Onion prices.
S:You know what I mean,like What’s crackin’?
M:Nutshells.
S:Really?Fine.What’s poppin?
M:Corn.
*Blocked*
Say goodbye to unsightly carpet stains by strategically repositioning your furniture.
Girl: Do you have protection?
Me: Um like a sword?
GF: I’m leaving you because you’re obsessed with Spanish puns and Despicable Me.
ME: Please don’t go. You’re Juan in a minion.
I got an online ancestry test done, then fourteen of my relatives were arrested.
I feel sorry for the Phillip whose head inspired the screwdriver.
Stop acting like you’ve never seen someone with a pocket full of chicken nuggets before 🙄
Good grief, did you see that, Hans? A time traveller just appeared, shot Adolf and left again. I mean I know his paintings are shit but WTF