If I was a marriage counselor I would just make the couple look at a dating website for 20 minutes.
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If u think ur parents did nothing for you, remember Jackie Shrof named his son Tiger and Bappi Da named his son Bappa. Respect your parents
Stayed up to watch the clock go from 1:59 to 1:00 am because you know, time travel
Don’t kick over a rock if you’re not mentally and physically prepared for what may be underneath….
The auto parts store is like ‘get our free app’ as if I’m buying parts everyday. I only need this one thing.
Scientists claim that the Big Bang was the loudest noise that has ever occured in history. They obviously haven’t met my kids.
Naked and Afraid. But it’s just me using the shower at my gym.
Just had an Aha moment
Then a Duran Duran moment
Then a Eurythmics moment
#YouHadOneJob #SuperBowlXLIX
make parties more interesting by telling strangers “I want you to know that I personally have no problem with you being here”
Cat is stressing him out.
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s that
Son: it’s our house
Me [walks outside with son]: do you see how it absolutely isn’t?
“My god…we’re monsters,” I murmured to a local monster, who nodded sympathetically
Apparently the safe word has changed to…
NOT THERE IDIOT!!! Followed by a swift elbow to the eye….
Guy in restaurant: Mam, are u ok? Are u choking?
Me: *wipes off drool & removes a cherry stem from my mouth that’s not tied in a knot*
Fun idea! Complimentary deodorant with each transit fare purchase.
Premeditated murder is a harsh accusation. I prefer “former girl scout who is always prepared.”
If you pass the drug test at dominos they fire you
Dogs reunited with family: OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! I MISSED YOU SO MUCH!
Cats reunited with family: I see you peasants are still alive. Feeding me wouldn’t displease me I guess.
You know how sailors used to get scurvy from not eating citrus fruit/vitamin C? Well if there’s a disease that one gets from eating cheesecake I’m going to have it by Friday around noon.
*tries to impress date by eating spaghetti with a straw*
What?!?
The 3yo insisted on helping me put all the laundry away. It’s only taken us 6 hours & 10 minutes & apparently pants go in the fridge now.
Grandpa: “I was at Normandy.”
Dad: “I was at the Battle of Khe Sanh.”
Me: “I once went to Kohl’s on Christmas Eve.”
Everyone: *gasps*
BREAKING NEWS: lost city of atlantis found in detroit pothole
I have a time phobia.
*looks at watch, panics
*looks at clock, panics
*looks at thyme “This I can handle.”
My brother said he’d have to call me back because he had to “take a shit.” That was six hours ago. At what point should I start to worry?
How does one answer this?
[Couples Therapy]
HER: He keeps pretending he’s a doctor. This relationship is dead
HIM: I’m calling it. Time of death, 9:26
ME: OMG SEE!
“Eat cheese and sin.”
This is… the best street art sticker I’ve ever seen?!
my dog when she sees a vacuum: i have no concept of heaven and hell but holy shit you are the devil