“And… uh… chocolate kills dogs.” – God puts the finishing touches on life on earth.
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Pooping on the clock is the small-scale revolt of the working class in preparation for the people’s revolution.
Me: I might get to sleep in tomorrow!
Kid: Hold my sippy cup…
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
Video Games made me do it.
Rock n’ Roll made me do it.
Witches made me do it.
Satan made me do it.– a short history of responsibility
Helpful tip: Don’t write out your grocery list while watching a true crime documentary on a husband-murdering wife, or your husband might think you’re taking notes when he walks into the room.
Milk prices could reach as high as $8/gallon soon & at those prices I’m giving everyone the OK to cry if you spill some.
Sharon Hodges had her new bike stolen and the police wouldn’t help. A week later she saw it for sale in her local used items newspaper. She contacted the seller and they met at the mall. She asked to test ride it and never returned. She stole her bike back.
If simply wrinkling my nose at your smell is politer than spraying you head to foot with Febreze then so be it.
Not happy but so be it.
Drink to remember.
Drink to forget.
Tweet while drinking,
Wake up with regret.
a daycare dad cut me off in the parking lot so I went early yesterday and taught his kid how to ride a bike you can never get that back
I imagine the hardest part of becoming a supervillain is getting your doctorate.
waking up with a headache was not the pounding I was hoping for
I followed this woman on a bike with an empty baby seat for a half a mile yelling, “your baby jumped out!” before she gave me the finger.
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage and understand how it works?
Me (imagining bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
Don’t cook with kids if you don’t know how to season them.
The waiter who’s drawn the short straw today steps up to my table with a gulp.
Him: Fresh Parmesan?
Me: MAKE IT RAAAAIN!
Elections?Vote for pizza. Throw the pizza slice in the envelope. Not all of it silly! Just a little corner will do. Eat the rest. As usual
Inside you are two Cookie Monster. One want cookie. The other want more cookie.
*gets bitten
*becomes shy shy
christ, it is impossible for anyone to be on a ghost hunting show and not have it be hilarious
it’s just something about the genre that makes people wander around in the dark shouting angrily at ghosts on nightvision and then screaming and running away when a door creaks
I’m like a cheetah, but slow.
My 6yo’s homework today is learning how to count backwards.
Yep that teacher knows about DUIs alright!
Bird: *flies into my office window*
Me: yeah, same.
I don’t want to imply I was anything special in college but I was the president of the Ramen Club for 5 years, probably would have been 6, except my parents gave me an ultimate that I needed “to stop putzing around and graduate already.”
Don’t let anyone tell you who you are unless you’re concussed and confused and genuinely need to know.
I lied on my resume yesterday. I told them I wanted a job
How quickly family vacations go from omg we only have 4 days left to omg we still have 4 days left
Me: they said they are working on a vaccine and will be out with it soon.
Friend: Who did?
Me: Yep.
Dear nurses, you don’t have to announce my weight just write it down. That’s why I have my eyes closed when I’m on the scale.
I do believe I’m an Empath. I can always sense when someone I’m attacking is in a bad mood.