My GF found lipstick in my pocket, I admitted I’m cheating… I don’t want her to know I’m selling AVON.. I want to eat my money in peace
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Incorporate the word ‘verily’ into casual conversations so they don’t know what century you’re from
A good friend will delete your browser history for you, but a best friend will make your chalk lines smaller
BUZZFEED: Is Internet Clickbait Dumbing Down Society?
Lick your fingers & stick them in a power socket to learn the shocking answer.
every tall woman, looking at tall fashion models: okay, but where does she REALLY buy pants?
Cause of death: Trying to draw eyebrows on the neighbor’s cat.
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂
As often as I lose lighters and sunglasses, it’s a good thing I never had kids.
Or did I?
Arrange marriage are scary. What if my husband doesn’t like my boyfriend? 🙄
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
The real walk of shame is when you take all the cups and plates you’ve been hoarding in your room down to the kitchen.
I see in your bio you’re divorced and play the bagpipes. I’m going to venture a guess as to why you’re divorced
I took a girlfriend to a fancy bakery for Valentine’s and she picked out a bunch of things that she then gave to her dad because she said sugary baked goods gave her yeast infections, so really I treated her dad to a really nice Valentine’s Day
Doctor: How in the world did you manage to swallow this?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
I hate “save the date” engagement cards. After divorce you should have to send out “hey forget about that one date 6 months ago” cards
Before arbys gets sucked into the sun with the rest of the earth and everything you’ve ever known or loved, please come eat some of our crap
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
That bear was just minding its own business. You brought that granola bar into the situation. Should have brought enough to share.
INTERVIEWER: why did you leave your last job?
ME: they stopped putting Kit Kats in the break room vending machine
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
You can’t keep eating people’s lunches from the break room & blaming the Taliban. A lot of what you’ve been stealing is pork for one thing.
Hot chick without makeup: her beauty is so effortless & carefree
Me without makeup: why is that very sick grandma not in a home
I HAVE BEEN TO FOUR DIFFERENT FABRIC STORES LOOKING FOR THIS ‘WIFEY MATERIAL’!
WHERE COULD THIS TYPE OF MATERIAL BE!?
Officer: Sir, we have reports you’ve trained this bird to injure passersby.
Me: Ridiculous!
O: The pet’s name?
M: Paul the Attack Canary.
*first day as a coach*
Me: ok gang so we should go with a zonal defence here, remember to watch the runners and stick to the plan, goooo team!
Player: *whispering* guys I don’t think coach has played golf before
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
The greatest trick The Devil ever pulled was NOT letting his friends and family know he was good with computers.
I’m sorry but if shirts are required at the company picnic then the calendar invite should have said that
I like to wear different wigs to confuse my enemies. If they sent you to the babe with fringe guess who I am now? The girl with braids. Ooops
It only looks like my kids are having popsicles for breakfast, Brenda, those are clearly frozen smoothies