Her: Has anyone ever told you that you’re a narcissist?
Me: Many times. What can I say? Nobody’s perfect.
Except for me, obviously.
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*sees money in my bank account*
oh crap i must have forgotten a bill
how does everyone know when fruits are in season.. when did u learn that. did i miss fruit season day in algebra. did u swallow a farmers almanac. why are peaches only in season for 8 hours a year
Me: they’re called in-laws because the law still applies if you do something to them right
Guy on subway: what
Me: what
I have two years left on my looks. Four if I work out.
So 2 years.
My 4 year old nephew once stopped in the middle of soccer game to yell out to his mom that he smelled BBQ.
We are clearly related.
Got the invite to your wedding. Thanks! Sadly, your blatant overuse of illegible, ornate script fonts means I don’t know when or where it is
My husband told my daughter he can’t flush his contacts down the toilet because it’s bad for the oceans and she thinks it’s because “humans don’t want sharks to see better.”
Take me down to the paradise city where the salmon are jumping and the tubes are fishy
I think my favorite part of being a parent is telling my kids they can’t have any chips before dinner because deep down I know I’m eating that family sized bag of doritos after they go to bed
A fellow mom was talking about how another school’s spring break was 2 days longer than ours and said “They could have given our kids 2 more days” and I’m always so confused when people want their kids home longer than necessary.
“You have such a great personality”
Me: Thanks, I collect them.
If you eat a pregnant girls food, you’re required to have the baby for her
I don’t homeschool my kids cause the only historic battle I know is the one between Biggie and Tupac.
Was going to do some writing on the porch but there’s a woman across the street lambasting her bf for cheating.
So now I’m just going to sit on the porch.
Current mood: Potato
Ke$ha looks like a character I would select in Mortal Kombat
My 8 year-old desperately wants to be a teacher when she grows up and loves pretending she’s a teacher around the house. Today I found her eating a cupcake in the kitchen and when I asked her who said that was OK she replied, “it’s teacher appreciation day”
The Bible starts off slow but it really gets going when Satan shows up
People think I’m being fancy when I wear a dress for the holiday but the joke’s on them because I’m about to absolutely smash like 20lbs of food and baby this thing is built not only for style but for COMFORT
Me: Hi—
Her: I have a boyfriend
Me: —and would you like fries with that?
This woman named Amanda who lives above me burns her dinner nearly every night and it makes my apt smell like a fire pit so I’ve been calling her Burnie Manders behind her back to make myself feel better about it
If by “anything” you mean “anything I can do from my couch,” then yes, I will do anything for you.
ME: how do you stop yourself from falling all the way to China?
GHOST: I can’t do this anymore. I’m going to haunt a different house.
I can tell the way my kids inherited my sarcasm by the way I want to punch them in the face every time they use it.
Get a dog from the shelter for your kids and you’re a hero
but get a hobo from the shelter to babysit your kids and everyone gets all upset
Wife: did you know the Office Depot is having a going-out-of-business sale?
Me: {sitting on a throne of post-its} I think I did hear that
God created childbirth so women could know how men feel when we have a cold.
Well, the mechanic called. Apparently, in addition to a muffler, my car also needs a new car.
Spoiler alert: The fairytale ends with the prince at work, 3 whiney kids, and you are cinderella AND the wicked witch.
Me: kid, you have no chill
5: I do, I just don’t use it