sorry I’m late. I tripped on my cat and so had to kiss him for 45 minutes
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You know you’re from New Jersey when going through security & they only wand your hair!
me: I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: is he in line
It doesn’t matter what’s behind you, keep moving forward at your own pace, you’ll get there..
Unless it’s flashing lights behind you ..then floor it and hope they don’t catch up…
*goes to Walgreens for memory pill supplements*
*forgets what they’re called*
My wife just put down a magazine & said “I have to stop reading this article because the author said she named her son Gideon.” ❤❤❤
I hate when that happens.
[Interrogation room after a massive Swiss cheese theft]
Detective: I gotta tell ya, your story sure has a lot of….inconsistencies in it.
Joker: Want to know how I got these scars?
Me: Did you try to hug a squirrel? Because, you know, been there.
Joker: No I…wait, what?
I got my husband to marry me 51 days after we met. Today is our 20th Anniversary and I think he’s still wondering what the hell happened.
I’ll bet crowds were super disappointed every time Abraham Lincoln took the stage & didn’t pull a rabbit out of that hat.
Snake: Oh shit it’s a wolf we gotta run
Armadillo: Go on without me
Snake: no just-
Armadillo: @
Snake: Wait where the hell are you
Armadillo: @
I put my shirt on like everyone else. How I get my pants on, however, involves a spatula and 8 monkeys with Navy SEAL-like precision.
Honestly, the food pyramid seems pretty well balanced no matter what food goes on top.
“Having sex for money is bad because it is counterfeiting feelings” wow dude, I have bad news about every other customer service job ever
We have a winner.
You can tell me any plot of land is an acre and I will have no choice but to believe you.
My kid came home from his field trip covered in paint, missing one sock, and carrying two pumpkins and had the nerve to say his field trip was “fine”.
my new hobby
creating totally reasonable units that somehow upset people
– kiloLiters
– megameters
– milliinches
If I knew you in high school and your Facebook profile picture is a baby I’ll assume you’re Benjamin Button and unfriend you.
I want to be cremated so that I will get a smoking hot body again
wife: Would you ever want an open marriage?
me *messages every girl in my phone asking if they’d have sex with me* Umm *all respond no* Nah
got kicked out of the louvre for checking to see if the Mona Lisa was a scratch and sniff
Everybody: *Was Kung Fu fighting*
Everybody: *Hurts*
You can’t make me happy, you’re not a bag of chips.
Overthrowing governments actually sounds pretty coup
MUGGER: Hand over your wallet.
MY DAD: No, no, no. You’re holding the knife all wrong. Ugh, just give me that… and, pull up your damn pants.
Fastest way to occupy bored kids is to announce we are going to clean
Voila
Suddenly they all remember plans they’ve forgotten
Ah quiet
If a puppy stabbed me in the face and stole my car, I’d still be like, “aww.”
what I look like when I sleep with my mouth open
Transformers: Human Centipede was a bit disappointing…
⭐☆☆☆☆