Adam: Eve, you read the terms and conditions before using that Apple product right?
Eve: Uh yeah, totally
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Pretending to WFH while my mom is around is way worse than actually working.
She’s on to me. I can feel her breath behind my neck…
Facebook: losing friends.
Twitter: gaining friends
Instagram: gaining weight
I wished I loved anything as much as white people love saying “gracias” at Mexican restaurants.
FFS. A bunch of ants are making brunch plans and doing yoga,because I spilled my Pumpkin Spice Latte,
If you have a flip-phone, you are probably an undercover cop.
[job interview]
“Any weaknesses?”
I pick fights for no reason
“Can you explain?”
*leans in way too close* Are we gonna have a problem?
if Yoda asks for chocolate milk, do you get him a drink or a candy bar???
I can’t believe they get women to pay so much for those boots & can’t even spell ‘Ugly’ right…
Just looked at a beautiful pink sunset and thought, “God I love London”, then remembered there is a sky everywhere and I’m paying half my salary to sleep 2 feet from my drying clothes
If you see a woman sitting alone eating a kale salad just leave her and her sadness alone
There are two good reasons never to drink water from the toilet. No 1 and No 2s!
everyone freaking out thinking the robot apocalypse is coming bc the google AI is sentient and it’s like okay? just add it to the apocalypse pile who cares
Tai Chi is so crazy because it’s like throwing a slow motion tantrum.
First person ever: I HAVE SEVERAL HOLES IN MY FACE WHAT IS HAPPENING
Me: I’m gonna renovate the house once I get my promotion. After that, kids maybe?
Date: Are you still talking about The Sims?
Me: Of course.
Why is it someone is always refinancing their mortgage in the self checkout in front of me?
the owl’s distinctive call allows them to communicate over distances spanning 800 meters but they usually just talk shit about bats
Why is no one talking about how hamsters taste NOTHING like ham?!
The old gods are rising again.
Don’t go hunting down relationships or looking for love. Let it find you. Naturally.
You know, like a jogger finding a body on the trails.
My corpse will likely be too lazy for rigor mortis.
Changing my name to Shotgun so my friends call me
son: I don’t think he likes me
wife: your dad just has a hard time showing affection
me: [holding bag of doritos] GOD I LOVE DORITOS
I would never join a gang, because I am vehemently against group projects.
Beware of the dog..
If I had to list one thing I’m truly outstanding at I think it would be ripping open resealable bags so they are no longer sealable.
I like to use the formal version of people’s names.
So like, if your name is Terry, I’ll call you Terrence. Larry, Lawrence. Barry, Barrence. Bobby, Bobbence. I don’t know any girls.
If by putting clean sheets on my bed you mean I piled unfolded clean sheets on my bed and then used them as a cuddle buddy for a week, then yes, I put new sheets on my bed.
Have some fun at work: End every comment with a long slow wink
“My report is super late”
*long slow wink*“I swear I didn’t drink at lunch”
*long slow wink*“Oh, I’m fired?”
*long slow wink*
I mainly get my exercise by awkwardly running to doors when people hold them open for me