i was so happy to be snuggled on the couch with both my kids when my sweet daughter turned to me, patted me and sweetly said “mommy you have a big big tummy”
parenting is not for the faint of heart
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Why are ghosts and angels depicted as semi transparent is that what happens when you die they just turn your opacity down
*logs on Facebook
IT’S YOUR OLD HIGH SCHOOL BULLY’S BIRTHDAY TODAY!
*logs off
WAIT COME BACK!
YOU HAVEN’T HEARD ABOUT YOUR EX’S ENGAGEMENT!
Superman could shit sauerkraut and they’d still love him. But when I do it, everyone’s like “gross katie”, and “now you’ve ruined the hot tub for all of us”.
My washing machine is broken and the laundry is piled so much now, I’ve started to wear old Halloween costumes
Black Friday deals but at the pharmacy
if coconuts give us coconut milk AND coconut water then why do we only have cow milk. where is the cow water
[Wendy’s]
Me: *confidently walking up to the counter after they got my order wrong* i’d like to speak to wendy
me: I’m doing marathon training
friend: that can really help you in the long run
me: I know what it’s for
Is a rivalry between 2 vegetarians still called Beef?
Always know where the exits are in a crowded theater and your in-laws house.
“can we play our computers on the plane?”
bro, you and your sister can give each other face tattoos for all I care, just leave me alone
Being an adult is way worse than being a kid. No matter how good I do at work no one ever takes me out for ice cream after
me: what time is it?
tour guide: 4:20
me: how can you tell?
tour guide: See how high the sun is?
[sun is eating spaghettiOs with a spatula]
I’ve had a few people tell me I should start an OF but honestly, you could just peel a potato at home and get the same outcome.
friend: I have a theory that the center of the Earth will cool and become solid
me: wow, that’s hardcore
The way I see it, the only thing my daughter’s little “boyfriend” needs to know about me is I ain’t afraid to go back to prison.
me: so, they’re called LEGO for one or LEGO no matter how many there are, and someone just arbitrarily decided LEGO would be singular and plural?
moose: I hear ya.
2 moose: preach.
*lowers head
*breaks thru 5 tackles
*hurdles lineman
*runs 100 yards
*hamstrung at goal line
*dragged back to line of scrimmage-my wedding
How do I form meaningful friendships as an adult without enrolling in grad school or joining a cult?
Me, watching you order just one pizza and there’s four of us: I guess you’re an optimist
Why does James Bond keep telling people his real name? Worst. Spy. Ever.
Real House Wines.
Me: Who will I share the sunset with now?! *sobs*
Friend: Bad breakup?
Me: No. *wipes tears* My Instagram isn’t working.
[first date]
Me: so u just wanna poke ur straw thru that little hole
Her: I know how juice boxes work
Mom: well isn’t she a feisty one?
me: salt rim please.
barista: what.
I like for my resolutions to be attainable so this year I resolve that I will neither become the pope nor will I become a cannibal.
Could you imagine being the Secret Service agent that blocked a bullet for Donald Trump, 20 years later? You wouldn’t tell anyone.
If i had a dollar for every time you guys said Twitter was going out of business, I’d have enough money to buy Twitter.
the day my uncle Dan played his final game of “I got your nose”
[the best zoom meetings]
host: can you hear me ok?
everyone: no
host: let’s just reschedule
everyone: great